Retro Review Tuesday: Wolfenstein 3D

We've been expanding our horizons reviewwise last week I finally did an import game and this week Richard has tackled our first PC title, Wolfenstein 3d. Most people think of the Wolfenstein series as "the game where you kill Hitler" and well it is, but there's a lot more to it than that. It was one of those titles that changed the world of gaming forever.


-Introduction-

With all of our past reviews in mind, this time around we now look back at arguably the most influential game we have done, to date. Back in the early 90s this MS-DOS game would prove to be beginning of the popularity synonymous with the First-Person Shooter genre. In time, it would lead to the immensely popular battle through hell itself known as DOOM. Without this game, the entire genre might have been buried until the only well known ones in existence would be the far sub-par shameless war games we've got now. Its difficulty made it, in any significant gamer's opinion, the most "hardcore" FPS ever to have hit the gaming world. So without further ado, Id's brainchild, Wolfenstein 3D.

-Overview-

Before discussing the graphics and sound, it's important to remember the date of this game, which predates Windows 95 by three years. Graphically, the game ranges from could be better to really quite nice. The sprites tend to look very pixelated, especially your weapons, but the environments aren't too bad and are sometimes rather interesting. You may notice there are no stairs or other changes in floor or ceiling height in this game, another indication of how ID managed to make it run and render as well as it did at the time. There are some pretty nice wall decorations in this game, considering its pixel-heavy nature. You can easily distinguish images of Adolf Hitler, Swastika-displaying banners, and signs that say things like VERBOTEN and ACHTUNG. While the walls are nicely textured, the floors and ceilings are notably simplistic. They do change color, but they are always colored solidly, with no texture or graphics at all. For reasons probably related to a limited color palette, a few objects that should be metallic colored are colored blue such as doors and guns or parts of guns.

Movement is very smooth and if on the right system, creates no graphical complications. Normal enemies are actually drawn from eight angles, allowing their sprites to physically change directions when they were to move sideways, backwards, or even diagonally in those directions, something that was quite impressive for the time. This allows the player to sneak up on enemies and pick them off, easier. One thing that was also quite different at the time was that enemies would sometimes even be walking around on their own while not actually alerted of the player's presence. The player's interaction with items and other non-active sprites is not as impressive, as these objects are only drawn from one angle, likewise with an enemy's corpse. Bosses are also only drawn from a single angle, so you can not sneak up on them.

The sounds are pretty crisp and clean, assuming you're using Sound Blaster to hear them. The metal doors indeed make metallic sounds when opening and a heavy thud when closing. Gunshot sounds range in quality but as a whole sound fine. This game also has speaking in it. It is hard to judge the clarity of it as almost all of it is in German, but it seems to sound alright. The music sounds very MIDI but it's not too repetitive and is different depending on the level or screen. One particular track * even features some subtle Morse code being tapped in the background.

The controls are responsive and simple enough. They are customizable so there's no need to specify what they are on the keyboard/mouse/whatever else. Their functions are shooting, of course, opening/activating, running, and strafing. If unedited, you'll find them similar to the controls of DOOM (you DID play that, right...?). By default, in relation to each other the controls shouldn't be too hard to master.

The characters range from being forgettable to a-defining-moment. B.J., the protagonist, is obviously always in mind, and is certainly a classic video game hero by this point. You don't hear much if his personality, as he says only one word in two instances throughout the game. Boss characters are the only other named characters. While the bosses seen in episodes 4-6 don't exactly leave an impression (The final episode's boss's level is a lot more significant than the boss himself), the original three bosses are classic and can easily become favorite boss characters of yours. Hans Grosse, the first boss, is one of the most classic boss battles video games have to offer, as he and his level are very distinctive in appearance. Dr. Schabbs, the second boss, is also pretty memorable in his own way, what with his unique way of battle and his look. And of course, we cannot forget Hitler. Nothing else needs to be said, there.

 -The Story-

Story wise, it seems pretty average for what you need in an FPS. It's not laughably ridiculous though certainly not what you'd call plausable at times. Not counting the fact that they've sent in one man to bring down the entire Third Reich. In episode 1, B.J. Blazkowics (Pronounced Blazz-Ka-Vitch) must escape from the Nazi prison castle, Wolfenstein, to continue with his main mission of putting a stop to Operation: Eisenfaust. Using a knife and pistol he aquires from a guard he's overpowered, B.J. escapes his cell and fights his way out of the castle, acquiring stronger weapons and keys on his way to freedom. By episode 2, B.J. has escaped castle Wolfenstein and heads to Castle Hollehammer to stop Operation: Eisenfaust and assassinate its head scientist, Dr. Schabbs from plaguing the world with his undead, mutant soldiers. Come episode 3, it is time to put a stop to the entire Nazi madness once and for all. B.J. heads to Hitler's titanic bunker for a final showdown with the evil Fuhrer, himself.

(Episodes 4-6 are prequels to the first three episodes.)

In Episode 4, B.J. has been sent to put a stop to the Nazi's plans of waging Chemical War in the form of the Giftkrieg (Poison War). He must kill the head scientist, Otto Giftmacher. But his mission isn't over,yet. B.J. must then travel to the fortress of Erlangen to secure the Nazi's secret plans for the Giftkrieg. Once he has retrieved them, he can locate the
military installation at Offenbach, assassinate General Fettgesicht, and put a stop to the upcoming pain and suffering before it begins.

-Gameplay-

The gameplay is, like states, A First Person Shooter. You run around a 3D interactive environment and shoot hostiles while gathering the supplies you need to make it to the end. It's the standard formula and there's nothing wrong with it. Upon starting the game, you'll be taken to a few interesting little screens. Past the title screen, you'll see the options menu. From here you can start a new game, load an old one (saving is only available once you're actually playing), change the screen size, change the controls, change your sound settings, read some game directions and other things, view the high scores, go back to the demo, or quit. If you start a new game, you must first choose your episode from one of the following:

1. Escape from Castle Wolfenstein

2. Operation: Eisenfaust

3. Die, Furher, Die!

4. A Dark Secret

5. Trail of the Madman

6. Confrontation

After that, the game will ask - how tough are you? And you will answer:

Can I play, Daddy?

Don't Hurt Me.

Bring 'em on!

I am Death incarnate!


Choose your difficulty, and you are now playing Wolfenstein 3D.

Upon beginning, you start with just a knife and a pistol with 8 bullets inside. Your basic goal in every level is to shoot down your enemies while maintaining your health and ammo and find an elevator to take you to the next floor (why you can't use the same elevator, who knows, guess then there would be little game involved). You will encounter locked doors so you will also need to find one or two keys hidden somewhere in the level. If you die during a level then you will be taken back to its beginning and stripped of all items except for the default. Upon reaching the end of the level, you are told your time spent in the level and are shown the percentage of enemies you've killed, secrets you've found, and treasure items you've picked up. In all episodes you will meet a boss character at floor 9 and must eliminate them to finish the episode.

You are also scored based on the enemies you kill, the items you pick up, and how well you do in each level. Scoring high enough awards you extra lives, though generally speaking it's best to just save frequently and load from there if you die. To be honest, score was mostly important during the days when Id planned on holding contests based on score but now you'll probably just be interested in completing levels, fighting bosses, and finishing the game.

Your display is located at the bottom of your screen, and gives you your vital information such as remaining health, ammo, lives, your score, the keys you've found, the level you are currently in, and the gun you are using. And one of the signatures of Id's FPS games, your face, which changes depending on how much punishment you're taking. Aside from your numeric health status, it's a fun alternate to gauge how you're doing.

You might find the gameplay of Wolfenstein 3D annoyingly difficult at times (it's difficult at all times, whether or not it's annoying you), as a single shot can ruin all of your momentum. This game was before the time of all game characters being super-human, and closer to the time of single shots to the toe killing you, so as little as two shots can kill you even at full health. 50% remaining health is well within the mortal range.

Enemies: You will encounter several types of enemies during your mission, all quite dangerous and generally needing to be put down as soon as you see them, as you do not want any of them to surprise you. The variety of enemies isn't immense, though it's easy not to notice as the ones that are present tend to be quite a problem. Frankly, you won't care if you only see one kind of enemy until the end of the game so long as you don't have to deal with any more of the mutants in episode 2. They also speak German phrases which is quite amusing, especially so if you know what they're saying.

Guards - The most basic enemy, they have pistols and shoot rather slowly, pausing before doing so. Still, when up close they can shoot a huge chunk of your life away. They are pretty weak and can be taken down in as little as one shot.

Speech: Sees you - Achtung! (Attention!/Warning!)

Dies - (Series of screams)

Schutzstaffel - Also called the S.S., these large, armored soldiers carry machine guns and prove quite dangerous in groups or even on their own. They take many shots before falling, and drop their machine gun for you when they do.


Speech: Sees you - Schutzstaffel!

Dies - Mein Leben! (My life!)

Officers: Officers are very quick both on their feet and with their trigger finger. They are especially dangerous when hiding behind corners as you often have no time to react before getting shot. Shoot them without hesitation, as they only need a fraction OF a fraction of a second to fire.

Speech: Sees you - Spion! (Spy!)

Dies - Nein, so was! (Well, I never!)

 Mutants: Undead soldiers with guns surgically attached to their chests and blades (for show) in their hands. They are arguably the deadliest enemy in the game, as they can somewhat rapid fire and are totally silent as far as when they "activate." When you know they are around, it's important not to take corners too quickly as they could be waiting for you and you won't know it until, frankly, you're dead.

Speech: Sees you - (Silence)

Dies- Aagghhrrr...

Dogs: Seeming to be German Shepherds, they are quick, and run up to you to bite you right in the face. Despite this, it is quite harsh to have to kill them but a necessity. They are the weakest enemy in the game, and can be killed with one hit from anything.

Speech: Sees you - Bark!
Dies: (Whimper)

Bosses: Once you've made it to the ninth floor or level of an episode, you will battle a Boss character. Boss characters are always very large individuals compared to normal enemies and carry vicious firepower, able to put you down in a single second. They can sustain nearly all of your ammo before finally falling. Once they do, either the episode will end, or you will be given a key to find the end of the level.

Weapons: Of course, you'll need firepower to get the job done. Wolfenstein does not offer the amount of weaponry that we're used to these days and at first it can, admittedly, be a little disappointing. But to be fair, this was before First Person Shooter was an established genre. In time, you should learn to appreciate the arsenal that you are given. Here is a list of the weapons you can find and use in Wolfenstein 3D.

Knife - This is there for you should you run out of ammo or possibly just have a death wish. You have to go right up to an enemy to use it so it's not really ideal for any situation. But if it's all you've got then it's all you've got. Repeatedly tap the attack button to keep stabbing, and hope for the best.

Pistol - You start off with this as well as eight bullets. This is not meant to get you through the entire mission, what with its slow rate of fire and what not so try to find a better weapon as soon as possible.

Machine Gun - These can be found laying around a level or can be taken from a killed S.S. They allow you to just hold down the attack button for rapid fire. It's still not the best weapon but compared to the pistol it makes a galaxy of difference.

Chaingun - Large and Loud, this weapon is the strongest in the game, often hidden in secret areas. It shoots a minimum of two bullets at a time (unless shooting your last), and quickly takes care of any normal enemy, and is certainly ideal for boss battles (seeing as how many bosses carry this same weapon, and often in pairs.) Needless to say it eats up ammo pretty quickly so don't get too "happy" with it unless you have to.

Once you've gotten a handle on all the enemy types and building up your arsenal, you may think you're well on the road to mastering the game, but you'd be wrong. You'll start to really hate your life as a one-man attack team for the allies in the several Wolfenstein 3D levels that are designed, at least in part, like a labyrinth. Beyond every corner could be another hostile or even worse, you could be in the maze with an unknown amount of active enemies that may either ambush you from the front or sneak up on you from behind. Without patience you will not make it far. Many players with over-active testosterone will think that all problems can be solved by non-stop chaingun fire. But with so little ammo that can be held at once, they will find themselves only with a knife and seconds later, dead. Just because it's an FPS does not mean you don't have to be strategic.


Items: Along with firepower, you will need ammo for that firepower, as well as keys to locked doors, health, and treasure if score means that much to you.

Ammo Clip - These are how you renew your ammo supply. How you get them dictates how much one holds. If taken from an enemy they hold 4 bullets. If found new, 8.  You can only hold 99 bullets at one time which is rather annoying since you'd think with the rapid-fire guns you carry they could have at least given you a 199 bullet capacity, but you'll just have to deal.

Keys - Some levels hide a Gold Key, a Silver Key, or both. While keys and locked doors come in two different colors, they are in no way color coded, and you don't know which key opens which door until you try.

Chicken - A plate of chicken here and there is just what you need to keep going. They are worth 10 percent health.

Medkit - A slightly more legitimate source of health and will replenish it by 25 percent.

Dog Food - Usually located, you guessed it, where you find dogs. You can munch on that and gain 4 percent health back.

Blood and Bones - Drastic times call for drastic measures. If your health drops to 10 percent or lower, B.J. will drink the blood and chew on the bones of the deceased just to survive. It will replenish 1 percent of your health.

Treasure - There only for points, these come in various forms such as chests or chalices. You are rated after each level on how much out of 100 percent you've collected.

Extra Life - Usually found in a secret area, these award you an extra life, but more importantly, replenish all of your health and give you a cool addition of 25 bullets.


Item-wise, what you need isn't generally covered in the normal part of the levels and often you will find yourself seeking out the secret rooms.A big part of Wolfenstein is would be the many secret rooms that it holds. Secret rooms are discovered by pushing on certain walls. If you push on the right one, you will hear a "crunching" noise and the wall will audibly slide backwards, usually revealing a secret room. Secret rooms are often filled with weapons, ammo, health, treasure, or even more.Still, don't be surprised if the inside is disappointing. Sometimes secrets are entirely pointless.

Starting the game from any episode will at first make it quite difficult to get on your feet. You have just a pistol and a very small amount of ammo to get started with. How you start pretty much sets the tone for how the rest is going to go, and if you start off poorly, you may consider just retrying it until you do better. Assuming you're playing it chronologically, the first few levels of episode one have a very introductory feel. You just cruise around shooting some weak, helmeted Nazi guards while trying to get a feel for the game. So far, you don't need keys or all that much firepower. But soon enough, around the time the S.S. start to appear in large groups, you need to get better weapons and a better sense of survival. The game starts to get more challenging and aggravating when you start to encounter locked doors. Keys are often hidden in the worst places. Most notably, more than one level puts a key in a large room with a "patsy" guard in there to kill. Of course, doing this will alert about a dozen other enemies to your presence, just outside the large room. It becomes a bloody fight to the death, all for that one little key. Situations like this explain a lot of what you're in for during your play through of Wolfenstein 3D.

-Conclusion-

Wolfenstein 3D is an extremely important piece of work in the history of video games. It popularized First-Person Shooters in ways that would eventually lead to other greats such as Id's own DOOM or 3D Realms' Duke Nukem. Playing it is a very special feeling if you are a person that can appreciate this. With its many levels, hundreds of secrets, and prestigious difficulty, this classic shows that even almost twenty years later it can still entertain if you're lucky enough to have the means to play it. We are very excited to be able to review it and would certainly recommend that you find a way to try out this truly great game.

~Richard M.


*Music from the video game music preservation foundation.



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Retro Review Tuesday: Parodius Da!

We have yet to do a retro review of an import game so I thought it was time we remedied that. So given that two of my most favorite things in the world have been combined into a single video game, Octopi and Side Scrolling shooters. I thought it was an absolute necessity that we discussed a game in the Parodius series. I decided on Parodius Da! on the SNES/ Super Famicom. Which is often wrongly referred to as the first in the series, though it's actually the second. It's worth noting that  I played the translated PAL version aptly titled Parodius: Nonsense fantasy.

Introduction
 I don't know the real story of how Parodius cam to be. But I have a little theory, somewhere in Japan the developers at Konami were out celebrating the run away success of Gradius 1 and 2. Having created one of the best side scrolling shooting games of all time and what became the model for basically every subsequent space shooter into the 21st century, they had a lot to be happy about. They went to bar after bar on an all night bender, hitting up clubs with names like The Penguin, The Sumo, The Showgirl and Super American Fun Town. Eventually they found themselves back at the Konami offices still full of Saki, Asahi Super Dry, and takoyaki thus the Parodius series was born!

Overview

Parodius is basically simply Gradius on mind altering drugs. There's no plot line, no complicated cast of characters, just side scrolling space shooting with a whole load of ridiculousness.

Controls are quite responsive and very simple, a necessity for any title of this type. I didn't notice any lag or clunkiness, other than the classic Gradius: I haven't gotten a "speed up" power-up lag which we've all come to fear and respect. I won't bother with button assignments because you can change them to anything you want in the options menu.

Showgirl vs Octopus only Parodius is willing to take on this age old rivalry.

Graphically this is one of the truest arcade to console ports I've ever seen. The sprites are big bright beautiful and completely absurd. They range from the tiny eggplants that spew from the volcanoes to a Killer Vegas show girl that takes up almost the entire screen. The graphics make this game, but as a result you'll often lose focus. It's quite common to find yourself in a dire and often fatal situation by wondering what the hell just ran by on the bottom of the screen. It also wins my award for best depiction of the Moai/Easter island statues in any video game ever.


Musically, it's not one of the best in the Gradius series (that title goes to Life force/Salamander easily). However it's use of well known classical pieces in glorious 16 bit sound is absolutely perfect.  It's the perfect mix of memorable, fun, and absurd. You'll get the unique joy of being blown apart by cute yellow chickies while listening to classics such as Dance of the Sugar Plum fairy and In the Hall of the Mountain King.


Gameplay

So normally I just get right into a game I'm reviewing, paying little attention to silly things like intros and title screens. With this game though it's worth it to sit on your hands for a few seconds and watch the intro and title animations. If you're familiar with the first couple Gradius games you'll find it much more amusing. If you're not familiar with at least one them,FOR SHAME! Leave this review right now go play one. I suggest Life force/Salamander (which you'll be hearing a lot about in this review because it's my favorite and I'm biased). For the rest of you, have a good giggle and then take look at your menu.

I didn't know penguins were big into Gradius but we've all learned something here today

The Menu screen is mostly straightforward 1 player, 2 player, Option (which is a legitimate options menus and has nothing to do with the power up), and Lollipop. If you're anything like me you're going to ignore everything else and just hit lollipop. Because, c'mon now, Lollipop, how could you avoid it? Sadly hitting lollipop does not cause your cartridge to spew forth a delicious confectionery treat for you. Instead it takes you to a special time attack mode, which I highly suggest waiting to play until after you've beat the game normally first.

So back on the menu screen you can either start off with the defaults or head into the option screen and tailor fit things to your liking. Including setting the number of lives you start with, the difficulty level and the button assignments. On your first time I recommend knocking the difficulty down to 3 and adding a few extra lives. Gradius is a series that punishes you for not knowing what's coming. So even if you've beat Ikauga on hard you're going to die in this game simply because you had no idea what was coming up. Nothing is more frustrating than having to go back to the beginning of a level with no power-ups because you picked the left path when you should have picked the right. Once you've tweaked your options to your liking head back out to the main menu and get ready to play. Also, you can turn "blizzard" on or off here. Blizzard, is caused by special power-ups and gives you a roulette spin  on your power up bar, with good timing you'll end up with something nice. However, I always sucked and got nothing, so I just turned it off for my game.

Once you choose either 1 or 2 player  you'll get to choose your ship. You've got 4 glorious options:

The Vic Viper:  Which has the original Gradius gun configuration and who's power-ups look like the ones in the original series. Other than looking a little more cartoonish, it's essentially the same ship we all know and love.

If you can choose Octopus why wouldn't you?

Octopus (Takosuke): Who has the gun configuration from Life Force and who's power-ups are supposed to look like Octopi, but really look more like Jellyfish. Octopus also shoots fish for missiles, and gets smaller pink Octopi as his options.

Twin Bee: Which has the twin bee configuration and Twin bee power-ups. Biggest change of note is that the missiles become rocket punch which doesn't really act like missiles at all but is very useful. Options look like ghost version of the ship and are only visible while moving.

Penguin(Pentarou): He has the gun configuration from Gradius III and Power-ups that look like candy. His missile is a fish, though a different one than the octopus', and his options are small pink penguins.

I choose the octopus because he's an adorable octopus AND he has the Life Force/Salamander power-up set. I did test the other characters, but it was pretty much all octopus all the way for me. Though it's worth noting that there are slightly different endings based on which ship you choose.

Anyway after choosing your ship and whether or not you want to manually or automatically get your power up, it's time...to play the game!*

So you start off like you do in any side scrolling space shooter, flying through space looking for power-ups to blow away some nasty alien scum. Though in this one instead of some ambiguous alien blob or space ship, you're first assaulted with the Konami classic Moai heads, only this time they're rainbow colored and dressed up in silly hats wigs and other stuff. After you've killed a few lines of them, a fleet of squirting syringes comes at you followed by chickies then penguins and crabs and treasure chests with bees in them. Blast you're way through that stuff and you'll make it to the mid boss, a giant half-boat, half-cat hybrid. Making your way past the exploded cat and his penguin henchmen you'll get to the boss, a giant pirate penguin with a glowing belly button. Shoot the core belly button to move on. At this point after a unique experience like that, you're probably going to need to take a break and check your soda to see if someone has been lacing it with drugs. But your soda is safe,  that's just the magic of Parodius, and it just gets more and more ridiculous from here.

Pirate cat boat crewed by penguins? Everything seems in order here.

Now I'm not going to go into to all the levels because there's no point. All of them have little things I absolutely love about them, but I think it's best if you find them for yourself. Besides most of the game is quite simply described as: Shoot stuff. Get power-ups. Try not to get shot. Try not to smash into walls. Pause while laughing at some ridiculous looking thing that's trying to kill you.  Kill Mid-boss(if applicable). Kill Boss. Move On. Which honestly, is as it should be for a game of this type.

On the subject of bosses, Parodious Da! Has some of the most memorable ones gaming has to offer. They're not quite as ridiculous as some of the offerings in Monster Party, but they're definitely...something to see. The range from the glowing navel peguin, to an exploding puffer fish, to a woman wearing a sheet, to a Moai statute in make-up that spits out other Moai statues. If you can keep from getting distracted by their silliness they're all actually pretty tame as video game bosses go. It's getting to them that causes the real issues. Just because it looks silly doesn't mean this Parodius is all fun and games, Well OK, so it still is, but it gets some serious difficulty starting around level 3.

This ends the mystery of how the Moai were created and placed on the Rapa Nui island

So how's a tiny ship/sea creature to stay alive in a cold and indifferent world?  Power-ups of course.

Power-ups in this game work pretty much the same as they do in other Gradius games If you kill a line of enemies or kill a red/orange variant of something that's normally a different color, you'll get a power-up. However,  a big difference with power-ups this time is that there are three type instead of two and they appear to be completely random. In every instance of an available power-up you can either get:

A normal orange power up which is the one that adds to your weaponry. If you chose manual power-ups, as you collect them your cursor moves along the power up bar at the bottom of the screen and when it's where you'd like it to be, you select that corresponding weapon. Automatic, chooses power-ups for you.

A blue power up which clear the screen of all small enemies. But most shots and larger multiple hit enemies will not die from this. So it's very easy to cockily pick up a blue power-up clearing the screen and then run into a stray bullet killing yourself.

There's is literally nothing I can say about this screenshot it can't tell you itself

Finally bells. Bells were in twinbee but are new to Gradius players. You can either collect the bell as is for points or shoot it to change it's color which will result in more points if you turn it red or green or a special attack if you turn it grey. The special attack when activated consists of a megaphone in front of your ship which will then spit out some ridiculous phrase in huge letters which you hold out in front of you and hit the enemy with. It quite absurd and also quite effective. One thing of note with the bells is that if you shoot them too much they'll simply disappear and you won't get the attack or points.

There's a joke about  bubbly women in here but the pig is kind of messing it up.

Once you've mastered Power-ups you've still got to contend with the unforgivable nature of Gradius. Meaning if you're not psychic enough to realize the first time through a maze portion of a level that you  should have zigged instead of zagging, you're going to find yourself smashed into a wall. Not to mention that very specific and distinct pain of going from having a full arsenal at your disposal to having one stray unseen shot reduce you to a sluggish standard gun ship.  If that's not bad enough your severely crippled ship/animal body is tossed back to the beginning of either the section you died in or the entire level depending on difficulty level. Additionally as I said earlier, not only are the enemies trying to kill you, they're hilariously distracting about it. It's kind hard not to get confused by bare bottomed sumo wrestlers, walking trees and girls in bubbles when you first see them.

If you can work through the pain and adversity you're rewarded with an ending animation. It seems weird to have an ending sequence to game with no discernible storyline, but hey the ending I got had no discernible plot either. However, it was filled with ridiculous octopus based goodness so I'll go ahead and rank it among the top video game endings of all time.

For the youngsters, this the crack is supposed to mimic a glass CRT TV screen in the dark ages before LCDs

Conclusion

I'm going to be honest,  this is probably the most  biased review I've ever written. This game has all my favorite things in it, Octopi, Easter Island Heads, awesome 16 bit classical music, laugh out loud absurdity and it's a Gradius.  So I knew going in that I was going to find it absolutely fantastic. For me personally this game is just under perfection, I mean there are octopi EVERYWHERE and they're adorable! But even if I weren't so biased this is a great game. I'm not sure how Konami ended up with such an absurd concept, but it doesn't matter,  at it's core this is just another great Gradius game. It's the sort of quality you'd expect from 90s Konami and the Gradius brand. Easy to pick up,  difficult to master and strangely addictive. It doesn't have the same sort of "epicness" of the earlier serious titles, but in terms of pure gameplay  this one will not disappoint even the most serious hardcore gaming fans.




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Retro Review Tuesday: Mickey's Safari in Letterland

You may be asking yourself what grown people are doing playing and reviewing an educational game intended for 3 to 6 year olds. To you people I say, you clearly aren't having enough fun in life.

Introduction

Back in the early days of gaming some poor unfortunate souls had parents who thought that the age old justification for playing video games all day, "improves hand eye coordination" was not enough of a reason to let us sit in front of them all day. So these parents with the help of some misguided game companies foisted upon us a slew of "edugames". Some of these games were fantastic like Carmen Sandiego. Some were not so awesome like Mario's Fun With Numbers. Some were somewhere in between, that's where Mickey's Safari in Letterland falls.

Mickey's Safari in Letterland Title

Overview

Your storyline is simple, Mickey and Goofy have become archaeologists, apparently in Letterland to become an archaeologist one simply need wear the appropriate outfit, no bothering with a degree or any of that pesky education. The impeccably dressed Mickey and Goofy are in the employ of the Letterland museum curated by Ludwig Von Drake. For reasons that aren't completely clear Mr.Von Drake sends them out looking for the ancient letters of the alphabet which have been hidden in 6 different locations across the world.

This is a very basic platformer for the NES so as one would probably guess, the controls are quite simple. Mickey moves side to side with the D-pad, Jumps with and swings his net with B and A. The controls are fairly responsive not hair trigger, but not any sort of significant delay.

I think this is supposed to be a muscle but he should probably have a doctor checkout that arm.

Graphically it's lacking a bit. There's a limited color palette a lot of repeating graphics and choppy animations, nothing too terrible, but it was 1993 and there was a Disney budget for this, it could have and should have looked better. The graphics do have a few high points,using the term high point very liberally. The still shots of the of the words you spell feature some hilariously absurd looking depictions of every day animals and objects. Mickey himself has quite a few funny expressions and animations for example, what I like to refer to as sneaky pimp walking Mickey. Send him over an icy pond and you'll see what I mean.

Musically it seems fine at first, just your standard cartoony sounding platformer music. As the game progresses and it endlessly repeats it begins to morph into the sort of obnoxious cacaphony of 8-bit horror that drives men mad. If the music doesn't get you,  Mickey speaks a bit and his laughs and shouts of "oh boy!" can easily send you over the edge and into insanity. However his pronunciation of the individual letters can prove pretty amusing of your the easily amused sort (like me),so you might want to refrain from turning off the sound immediately.

Gameplay

 You start off by selecting your difficulty, Normal, Advanced or Super Advanced. On Normal you only collect a small part of the alphabet and Mickey does a lot of things automatically. On Advanced you collect more of the alphabet(though still not all of it) and have to in control all of your own movements. On Super advanced you have to make all your movements and find the entire alphabet.

This cloud is kind of freaking me out to be honest.

After making the tough decision about difficulty you're brought to a map screeen where you choose which area you want to head to. You can go to the Yukon, The Swamp, the Pyramids,  The Caribbean , the Forest and the Jungle. Seems a bit odd that this "letterland" has regions with similar climates, topography and the same names as our earth regions. Though I suppose the  3 continents easily conveys that this is an entirely new and different fantasy land, created by someone just bursting with creativity!

How Mickey fits a tablet that's nearly as big as he is in that net certainly stretches the laws of physics

  One you've chosen your destination, you wander looking for the ancient hidden letters the museum is after.  Hidden really being quite subjective as many of the lost letters as sitting in plain sight, though it is covered in some sort of ancient gravy preventing you from seeing what it is before you bring it back to the museum. So you just sidle on up to the sprite which looks like a giant frosted rice crispy treat pull out your net and grab it. I do feel compelled to point out that the letter is stationary so I'm not quite sure why you have to net it. But well I guess it's one of the ancient mysteries of Letterland.

He wants the V

 On your way to the ancient letter you can also net three random letter balloons in each level which will spell a randomly determined three letter word. Strangely you don't have to grab these in order to get your letter relic and continue with the game. Though if you do, Mickey will spell out the word, though not say it, and you'll see a completely ridiculous illustration of whatever animal or object you found. Additional if you're a "make your own" fun sort of person, you take bets on what the word will be before you collect all three (which is totally a real thing people would do with an NES educational game). Interesting to note that the game designers apparently thought small children could only spell simple 3 letter words, but thought reading words like museum and Caribbean would pose no issues.

Balancing balls is so 19th century, 20th century seals balanced anthropomorphic mice

Getting these letter can't be all easy of course. So, depending on the region you've chosen you're faced with different adversaries including, but not limited to: penguins, anthropomorphic mushrooms, snakes and porcupines. Of course none of these things can actually hurt you or kill you. They just get in the way and push Mickey around like a school yard bully, they'd probably take his lunch money if he  had any. Additionally you can  fall from a significant distance which will slow you down for a bit while you brush yourself off. But more importantly it will cause you to see the Mickey falling on his ass animation, which quite frankly is 80% of the reason I ever play this game.

Whether you bet on your word, or even bother collecting the extra letters for it once you've collected the ancient letter you're taken to a screen where you'll see Goofy operating some sort of letter cleaning machine. You pop the letter in and in a few seconds it pops out clean and readable. This is also a good time to take bets on which letter is would be. After the letter is revealed you have to put it  in the right spot in the alphabet. Then you start the process over again.

Seems like putting them in order would be of more educational value/less busy work if the outline wasn't there...

So basically you go through each level 4 or 5 times collecting the ancient letter and making words if you feel like it. That's the whole game right there.Once you've made the entire alphabet you take your carefully organized letters and throw them into a pile in front of the museum and Ludwig. Meanwhile the alphabet song plays and the balloon letters cross the screen. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Conclusion

Mickey's Safari in Letterland honestly fails in a lot of areas. Educationally it teaches you the alphabet, and then just barely. There's the added spelling words component, but it's optional and even if you choose to do them, Mickey says the letters but never the word, certainly a missed education opportunity, especially given how poorly rendered many of the illustrative representations of the words are. As a game it's boring and tedious. However, if you're willing to look at with the right sort of eye, you can have a lot of fun with this one. My siblings and I had endless fun slamming Mickey on to his bottom and making fun of his less than standard pronunciation and diction. As we've aged we enjoy taking bets on what the net word or letter will be, getting fairly intense about it. The fun is there, you've just got to uncover it.

~Stephanie

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Hmm..just a blog

My title is a reference to Metal gear solid on the PS1. Kudos to you if you recognize what phrase/portion I'm parodying.

I thought it was high time I made just a general blog as I haven't done one of those in a long time. I've mostly been posting  reviews lately and didn't even do one for this week.

Here in the land of Avane, there's a lot of stuff going on right now, most of it not so fun and geeky.  Jennifer is graduating with her accounting degree in May, we're planning a vacation shortly after, we're both working normally and are doing a temp night job for extra cash. So needless to say we've got our hands full we real life action and adventure.

Not helping the stresses of real life adventures situation are the massive changes our store host went through at the end of last month. I still haven't recovered from all the "improvements" so my listing output has been greatly diminished. (On that note I do NOT recommend Highwire Commerce as a provider) Though not to worry store fans, I'm learning to work with the new framework and have updated over 50 items in the last month with more to add soon. :)  If you're a fan of our store go take a look, we've been going through our collections pretty heavy handedly lately. Our toy room/geek room is reaching critical mass and we need clear some of this stuff out soon before our house explodes sending books, video games, dolls and action figures flying. So you might find something fun. If you're looking for something specific be sure to use to talents of Cornelius, our search octopus, he's conveniently located at the top of every page.


In the face of adversity, adversity of course being responsible adulthood, our geeky spirits endure! To keep our geek cred up we've still been working in some time for gaming I've been spending my nights playing Mario 64 DS when I should be sleeping (I'm up to 112 stars, woot!) and  my days, work/life schedule permiting, working my way through Castlevania:Symphony of the Night for the Nth time. Meanwhile Jen's been  finding flags in Assassins Creed in between work and homework. I've also been working in some old episodes of Tom Baker era Dr Who while I work, because as everyone knows vintage ScFi increases productivity. If that geekery weren't enough to keep us on the top of our game,we had planned on attending the geek prom once again this year, but found it was canceled. Luckily the following weekend we're headed to the Video Games Live concert. So all in all I think we're managing to stay true to the geek life, it's kind of like a thug life only much safer and involving more math and electronics.

So to bring it all together we're still around, we're still geeky and we still want you to buy our geeky stuff so we can buy other geeky stuff and talk about it. We're just busy right now. Though we're trying our hand at social networking so you can always try to connect with us via Facebook and Twitter. We're currently addicted to Gaia Online's Ocean party game so we're over there at least once a day. Come say hi if you're so inclined.

 ~Stephanie

Retro Review Tuesday: Pilotwings

It's been awhile since anyone else has worked on a review, but this is one neither Jen nor I were good enough to do. We had to call in our third contributor to work on this title as he's the only one of us who can beat it. This week we salute one of gaming's odd little classics, Pilotwings.

-Introduction-

Nintendo is a truly legendary company. They can take a plumber and a mushroom and make arguably the greatest video game of all time. They also do a pretty damn good job with two elves and a pig-shaped thief. And the most magnificent video game company of all time can take a game about earning your Pilot's Wings and make it a super fun, classic, aerial experience. Here you will find the quaint wonders and oddities of this SNES gem, Pilotwings.

I can hear this image

-Overview-

The basic idea of this game is that you are an aspiring air wizard who's joined the instructual institution of the Flight Club in your quest towards your goal of earning, you guessed it, your Pilot's Wings. You will meet four different instructors (twice) and attempt to complete their unique courses. You will do this by passing fun and challenging lessons which include the Light Plane, Skydiving, Hang gliding, and the Rocket Belt. These lessons involve flying through floating, colored rings, touching erect bars, climbing to certain heights, and other various obstacles. And of course, easily the most challenging part of all this - Landing.

He's not the man they think he is at home.

Graphics -The graphics of this game are quite crisp and good for their time.Your instructors look like reasonable illustrations of people and everything is clear as far as what it is. Probably the most notable thing about this game's graphics would be the 3-D mobility the game offers, allowing you to travel in every direction in each of the lessons. The different items on the ground are actually all flat, which is made slightly less notable with simple lighting and shading on their surfaces. The sprites are smooth and easy on the eyes. Over all, it's a nice game to look at.

Sound - Sounds are good, you've got the sound of air passing by, the unmistakable sound of the Light Plane's motor, the rough expulsion of the rocket belt's flames, and the sound of the air whipping past you as you fall to the ground, before you open your parachute. Nice little chimes are heard when obstacles are cleared. No real complaints on the sound. The music is memorable if not a bit repetitive. Each lesson has its own music, and when you check back with your instructors after a lesson, the music is a good indication of how they feel you did. Upbeat if you did well...not so much if you didn't.

-Gameplay-

The gameplay of Pilotwings is very dependent on the lesson you are doing, as well as the instructor that's offering it. Two things thing they all have in common would be that they all offer a certain amount of points depending on how you performed, and they're all successfully completed once you've found yourself safely back on the ground.

I've always wanted more information on the suspended ring technology used in the Pilotwings universe

Light Plane: Probably the most basic lesson in the game, and one of the hardest. This is the only lesson with no bonus game available. Basically, you will have to fly the plane through the air and pass through obstacles of multiple types then successfully land the plane on the runway. This is quite difficult, as your wings cannot be dipped in the slightest way, your speed must be right, and you must not be coming at the ground too hard. Additionally, you MUST land on the runway. One centimeter on anything but runway will cause you to loose a wheel and skid your plane until it stops, meaning a failed landing. However, All Light Plane lessons will still offer some points for the obstacles you passed before the crash. Early Light Plane lessons have you start already in the air, and later ones require you to take off on your own. Be sure to watch your fuel meter as running out of fuel is an automatic failure and will earn you zero points.

Hitting the ground too hard results in lost wheels and bent wings. Harder yet and the plane's engine blows up, a crash you're lucky to be able to walk away from.

Controls: Controls are as easy as they can be, but the only thing that can really help you here is genuine skill.

"I'm directly under the earth's sun......now"

Skydiving: You will be lifted up to a nose-bleeding 3,800 feet into the air by helicopter (If you don't want to wait the entire time it takes to climb to this height, you can push the A button to be taken straight up to near the max height.) Once you reach the target height you will let go of the rope ladder and begin your plunge to the ground below. As you fall, you can change your angle and how your body falls. Useful, as now you must maneuver yourself through 3, 5, or even 8 rings, turning your body in the air to get yourself in the correct position. Falling feet/head first will cause you to fall straight down, whereas falling belly/back down will do the same but slower. Feet/head a little forward makes you fall forward. Backwards, well you get the idea. After all the rings fly by, passed or not, open your parachute when prompted, and try to land on the multi-scoring target below.

Landing too hard with this will cause you to land on your back, although this doesn't seem to effect score. If you just neglect to open the parachute entirely you'll hit the ground so hard that you fall right through, leaving a humorous man-shaped hole.

Controls: A little restricted as far as what you can do but let's agree that that's bound to be true while parachuting. Still, smooth and simple.

It's NOT gonna be a long, long, time

'Til touchdown brings me 'round again

Rocket-Belt: Possibly the most fun lesson in the game, the Rocket-Belt is essentially a jetpack and offers the most control of all of the lessons. That said, it can still prove rather difficult to control the flight of this gadget. It is first available with your second instructor, Shirly. Generally what you do is use two different speeds (B button = slow, orange fire; A button = fast, blue fire) to navigate your way around the 3-D course and pass through the green rings or what have you, and then land as accurately on the target as you can. If you touch the ground prematurely you will loose 2 points off of your final score. Also mind your fuel meter, If you run out fuel, you will fail your lesson earning 0 point.

Landing too hard with this will cause you to fall onto your back. Harder yet (and this is pretty hard to do on accident) will cause the Rocket-Belt to explode, leaving your character grounded and charred.

Controls: Simple and responsive, but this thing can get away from you.

Gamers who aren't entirely comfortable in their masculinity may want to avoid this discipline as the Hang Glider only comes in hot pink.

Hang Glider: One of the most difficult lessons in the game, the Hang Glider is likely to make you not too picky about whatever score you get, as long as you get one. You will start off attached by a cable to a Light Plane (don't worry, you don't have to pilot this plane) and then you will be released, required to fly yourself around. The Hang Glider controls much like the plane, pushing up causes you to nose dive, back causes you to swing back up, and you can move side to side on the 3-D map. Unlike the plane, however, your speed and height is not so much in your control. As your Hang Glider flies through the air, it will loose steam, and begin to fall to the ground. The only way to regain your momentum is to fly over a "Thermal Current" to gain a substantial amount of height again. Completing these lessons involve either climbing to a certain height, or passing through a ring twice, landing on the Hang Glider's special target afterwords. Landing prematurely will disqualify you, entirely. To land, you "flare" with the A button to tip your Hang Glider straight up and put your feet underneath you when you're just feet off the ground. Beware, however, as you will not come to a dead stop, and will take a few steps forward, or even "hop" and step before coming to a complete stop. Also keep in mind that failing to land on your feet will result in no points.

Landing too hard with this (with your feet out) will cause you to land on your backside. This does not count as a failed landing, however

Controls: Smooth? Yes. Simple? Yeah. Easy? ...

Rings: A big part of this game would be the Rings, the main obstacle to overcome throughout all of the lessons. Rings usually take the form of many small, [generally] green  balls that spin in a circle, creating the actual ring. Clearing them requires you to fly through their center. Some lessons give you a score for each ring passed, others do not but still require that all rings are cleared before landing. For difficulty reasons, at times rings may be smaller in size, move in strange ways, or take alternate forms such as Bars (several green balls stacked vertically) Arches, and more. When cleared, you will hear a chime, be given a message, and the Rings will change color (usually to red) to indicate that they have been cleared.

Water: A big part of this game would be the water. Landing in the water will effectively end your lesson right then and there. It comes as no surprise that the moving Bonus Targets are located in the water. Even for normal targets, as you progress, you'll notice that the Target-to-Water ratio is getting to be less and less in your favor.

Scoring: Depending on the game, you will be scored on the following factors - Speed, Time, Angle, Accuracy, and Rings. All lessons offer an opportunity at a perfect score of 100. Needless to say, this is not an easy task to acheive. You must accumulate a certain amount of points in each Flight Area to be certified for your next license, moving one step closer to the coveted Golden Pilot's wings.

Shot from the little Known Match of the Penguins follow-up  Awkward fall of the Penguins

Bonus: All Lessons apart from the Light Plane offer an instant 100-point target that is not effected by time, accuracy, etc. as long as you hit it. The obvious catch is that these targets are very hard to hit and missing often means no points at all. Generally the Bonus target is indicated as the floating yellow square in the water and will get smaller in the later Flight Areas. This excludes the Hang Glider, in which case the Bonus Target would be the Rocket-Belt/Skydiving targets, as they are almost too small too land on with the Hang Glider. Upon landing on one of these targets, you will then be granted a "Bonus Chance," a very fun mini game that can award you anywhere from 5 to even 70 bonus points on top of the 100 you received for landing on the Bonus Target (Interestingly, your instructors seem more impressed with normal 100-point scores than the Bonus ones).

Instructors/Flight Areas: Before jumping into training at each new Flight Area, you will be given a small introduction by your new instructor, basically telling you what you can expect to learn with them. Your instructors offer different personalities and expressions. Doing poorly influences unhappy expressions whereas doing well makes them happy. Doing VERY well will prompt an overjoyed or shocked expression on the face of your instructor and a perfect score of 100 will be met with a face that can only be described as absolutely hysterical. Before each lesson, they will tell you what you need to do. Once you've scored high enough to see the next Flight Area/meet the next instructor, you will be given a password to use at the titlescreen if you'd like to return, later.

Tony: A young looking, dark-haired,  mild mannered man. May seem impatient with you if you do poorly but encourages you to "never give up." Offers Light Plane and Skydiving. 120 points are required for certification. Passing his course grants you a Class A license.

Shirly: Nice brunette woman who offers a wide-eyed encouraging smile when things aren't looking so good. She'll never get mean with you. Offers the Light Plane, Skydiving, and Rocket-Belt. 220 points are required for certification. Passing her course grants you a Class B license.

Lance: A blonde-haired, hard-nosed man, who is quite difficult to please. Asks you if you want to give up when you're doing badly. Offers Light Plane, Rocket Belt, and Hang Glider. 220 points are required for certification Passing his course grants you a Silver Class license.

Big Al: As the name implies, a large looking tough-guy kind of man with shiny sunglasses and a waste-no time kind of attitude. Also a bit hard to please, but seems to have a slightly better attitude than the previous instructor. He reviews all of your past lessons. A big, bad 300 points are required for certification. Passing his course grants you a Gold Class license.

Helicopter Rescue Mission: Once you've earned your Gold Class license, Big Al will accost you with a request that is "above and beyond the call of duty." Tony, Shirly, and Lance have been captured by the EVIL syndicate, and need you to rescue via Attack Chopper. You are the only one in the Flight Club whos qualifications are near what is required to pilot the chopper. Take off from the carrier and ready your missles, as the anti-aircraft guns will be blaring. Find the heliport and successfully land on it to complete the mission. If you can do this, you've not only proves how skilled a Pilot you truly are, but you've proven something to the video game universe itself, as this mission is one of intense difficulty. After surviving the quest, destroying the artilery (some of it being invisible to the eye), and rescuing your instructors, you will have truly earned your Silver Pilot's Wings.

And it's not over, yet. For you've set out to earn your Golden Pilot's wings, right? Well as it turns out, this game is only half over. Now you must revisit all of your past instructors in Pilotwings: Expert Mode. Now, their lessons are much more difficult. After enjoying an altered title screen, use the password presented with your Silver Pilot's Wings and get started on your road to the Golden Wings.

Expert Tony: Snowy, winter conditions. Runway is slick, and targets are smaller. 140 points to earn your Class A Expert license.

Expert Shirly: Rainy conditions. Once again, a slick runway and windier conditions. 240 points to earn your Class B Expert license.

Expert Lance: Very windy conditions, and a sunset time of day. Control is harder, here, be careful. 240 points to earn your Silver Class Expert license.

Expert Big Al: Nighttime's the name of the game, keep your eyes open wide and use the illuminated lines as your guide. A staggering 320 points stands between you and your Gold Class Expert license.

...And once you've finished with these four again, you will find Big Al once again waiting to request your help in another rescue mission. This time the Evil Syndicate as captured a government figure who opposes them. Not on-ly that, but he is Big Al's brother. Fire up the chopper and get ready for a nocturnal mission, your for difficult task yet. Succeed and you've done it. You have earned your Golden Pilot's Wings and are now not only a true pilot, but a true hero as well.

♪Practicing our night moves in the summertime...♫

-Conclusion-

Pilotwings is one of those titles that seems so random, and maybe not even the best idea. But when executed with the genius mind at Nintendo, it proves to be another classic in the company's big vault of gold. With its quixotic themes and unforgettable gameplay, we would highly recommend this to anybody who has not played it. It is almost guaranteed that you will find it fun and addictive if not sometimes infuriating. We love it, and we certainly think that you should, too.

Richard M.

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Retro Review Tuesday: American Gladiators Genesis

After last weeks wicked winter sports extravaganza, I was in the mood for something just as EXTREME! So I choose the genesis port of the American Gladiators game. What's more extreme than a bunch of oiled up muscular athletes competing in absolutely ridiculous events that have little/no true sports value?

Introduction

If you were born in the eighties there was a good chance you wasted a portion of your childhood watching the ridiculous testosterone fest that was American gladiators. The good folks at Gametek figured this would lead to lots of cartridge sales for them. Little Johnny and Suzy surely would love to take on the role of an athletic underdog working to topple the tyrannical oppression of athletes so powerful only one word names like Nitro, Lace and Malibu could truly convey their power!

This is American Gladiators! If you can't tell by the main logo the tiled background is there to really bring the point home.

Overview:
Controls vary from event to event. They are however similar in that they almost always involve button mashing and they're quite annoying. That being said they're fairly quick to respond in most events, it just that they aren't good, or convenient. The only exception being Atlasphere (you know the one you always wanted to play as a kid because you got to be in what amounted to a giant hamster ball?), because it only uses the Dpad.

Look at that excited crowd  entirely composed of pieces of cut rock candy

Graphically it's lacking. In most places the sprites are too small and when they aren't there's an attempt at detail, but it remains firmly in the realm of attempt rather than a reality. The do however move pretty smoothly in most games. The animations aren't great but most have good frame rates. Additionally while these aren't good graphics especially for the genesis, they aren't so terrible they distract you either. Perhaps the real positive about the graphics is that the limits on detail and color palette keep you from being subject to a digital version of this.

Soundwise...well it's not the most awful thing I've heard. It is however still awful. You get one track for every event and it NEVER STOPS. Seriously, once you hit the start button the music starts up and you're locked into it until you win, lose or hit pause. It doesn't stop when you start an event, or when you win an event, or when you lose an event, or even when you're in that screen between events. It just keeps going and going and going. By the end of the game you're pretty much ready to murder whomever composed it.

Gameplay
 You get two options when you start off, head to head and tournament. In head to head you compete against a friend in one series of events to determine which of you  is the tannest, most muscular hair gel abuser of all time!

 In tournament mode you compete against the computer and/or a friends in a series of matches until the field is whittled down to the greatest, oiliest most muscular competitors! If you win the tournament you may get a special screen or some sort of reward, but no one really knows for sure. I certainly didn't make it that far and nor did anyone else as far as I could find.

So once you determine whether it's best to go after your friends or after the computer or both, you can choose your gender and enter your name. Choosing your gender will determine what you look like and which gladiators you'll go against.  It really doesn't matter much as except for in joust, the sprites aren't very different, in fact in most cases they're exactly the same.

Regardless of which you choose you'll always get the same events in the same order. These may or may not be listed in the correct order here as quite honestly, I'm too lazy to go through the game again to check.

This event should have made a great game but it doesn't work out that well

First up: Assault. This event may as well be called, the tennis ball gun, because that's what we all remember it as. It's actually not a bad interpretation of how it works on the show. You run around trying not get hit while trying to hit whichever gladiator is shooting at you. (The game tells you which gladiators are going after you at the beginning screen for each event, but honestly it doesn't seem to matter because the sprites look and react the same). Here you get your first taste of awkward controls, you have to be right on top of the gun to pick it up. Once you've got it you try to shoot the target above the gladiators head, aiming is done via a small box in the upper right hand corner and is almost impossible to do with any sort of accuracy. Your best bet is to fire the gun blindly, hit the button to put it down and run to the next station. Trying to aim will just get you hit in the face with a tennis ball, which is going to happen anyway so you might as well get some points before then.

They shouldn't call it Joust if they aren't on birds and there's no pterodactyl

Next up: Joust. Unlike in the show the object here is to beat the crap out of the gladiator rather than just knocking them off the pedestal. The controls for this one are better than most but ultimately boil down to a lot of button mashing. If you're the victorious masher your opponent will fall down exhausted on to the top of the pedestal in what can only be described as the world's most ridiculously contrived death pose. If you lose you end up in the same pose, in either case it's pretty absurd looking.


Followed by, The Wall. Your competitor shimmies up the wall with a couple of second head start on the gladiator. If they don't catch you, you reach the top of the wall and win some points. If they catch you you both fall off in a stunning display of poorly rendered graphics and you get nothing. Simple enough  in theory but like the others, annoying controls make it borderline unplayable. You have to button mash and move with the d pad, but you often get hung up on the air for no clear reason. I personally never made it to the top even though I played the event at least 5 times.

Human Marble Madness seems like it would also be an apt title for Atlasphere

On to fan favorite: Atlasphere! Like I said back up in the control section this was the game you wanted to play as a child. What's not to love about rolling around in a big hamster ball? Sure there are other guys trying to hit you , but that's just more fun! Well it's not more fun when you're trying to roll your ball into to the goal to get points(as is the aim of the game) and you keep getting thwarted. But I still think it would be fun in person. This game has the smoothest controls and is the most fun to play, most likely because you only use the Dpad and because, I can not stress this enough, HUMAN HAMSTER BALL! My only complaint about this game is it would have been cooler if it were first person instead of top down.

Next up: Powerball. This is a really stupid concept for a game you alternate from one bin of balls to the other while trying to stuff them into things that look like trash cans and not getting tackled by gladiators. It's harder than it sounds and controls for crap. The controls are reasonable enough in theory, but in reality they're very sluggish and very finicky about where you're standing. It's a losing combination.

Finally: The Eliminator. In a stunning display of your athletic prowess you run a gauntlet style sports course. You start by  running up a treadmill, take a hand bike across a line, carefully walk a balance beam without being hit by punching bags, take zip line to the ground where you sprint towards the finish jumping hurdles and pushing aside the gladiator who may or may not be in your way (depending on door choice).

This portion of the game could basically be ported into a modern Ninja Warrior game and no one would notice

This is probably the simplest to control of all the events. You button mash alternating A and C the entire time. If you're a decent masher and your wrists don't kill you, it's usually a fairly easy victory. Sadly it won't mean much after all those previous losses due to shoddy game controls.

Once you've had a chance to test yourself against all these top athletes in games of pure skill you'll sit back and think to yourself: "Dear god those crappy controls made everything needlessly hard.Why would anyone want to play this game?"

I didn't lose, I'm just stretching with some pre-match yoga

Conclusion

Overall American Gladiators is an OK title for a TV game show port. It bears passing resemblance to what it's based on and is playable. However, I still think it's a disappointment. American Gladiators really could have been a lot of fun of done correctly. The campiness of the gladiators coupled with the silliness of the events themselves really was a recipe for fun. Sadly it didn't come out that way. A combination of poor controls and most of the AI rivals being just about perfect at everything made this game too difficult to really be enjoyable for most people. I never made it to the end of a tournament and if my travels around the internet are any indication, neither did anyone else. If you want to attempt to enjoy the game I suggest you find a friend and play in head to head mode, you can have some surprisingly fun, intense matches if you can keep the gladiators themselves from driving you crazy.

~Stephanie



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