Sometimes when you want to test your mettle as a gamer nothing but the most hardcore intense experience will give you the adrenaline rush you're looking for. So if you've walked out of Black Mesa without a scratch, tea-bagged an army of Master Chiefs, and sent every Nazi and Nazi zombie straight back to hell, this list is for you. We've compiled a list of the 10 most extreme games ever to ever hit gaming, they'll chew you up and spit you out, leaving you crying for your mommy.
10. Katamari Damacy (PS2): Katamari puts the
ultimate power of the gods in your hands, you create the very cosmos!
You're tasked with taking your studded sphere of mayhem onto the earth
rolling over everything in your path and crushing it into a sick twisted
melange of debris, broken dreams, and lost souls. The Prince lets
nothing stand in the way of his gruesome tasks, not the humans begging for their
lives or the animals crying out in pain. Once you've collected enough of
the detritus of earth, your grim collection is callously tossed into
the sky. This macabre mass becomes the next burning star or wandering planet, with no
regard for the victims are still visibly struggling to break free. Worse
still, even if the prince fails in his duties, our hapless earth
dwellers are given no respite, as the unimaginably evil so-called "King
of All Cosmos" shoots them into meaningless star dust before
sending you back out on your grisly collection quest until you get the
job right.
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| These poor bastards never had a chance. |
9. Tetris Attack(SNES): Terrifying
stars, ass-whoopin' hearts, extreme rhombi, you name it, this killer's
got it. Using your Panel Annihilation Device, you swap those bastards
back and forth until you force three together, the resulting explosion
so devastating, bits of star and heart guts fly almost right off the
screen. If that weren't enough to have you on your knees, begging your
God for mercy, blocks with grimacing faces slam down on top of your stack. These titans imposing their dark will on your helpless panels following devastating combo
attacks from your terrifying opponents ranging from hideous, earless dogs to one very
pissed off butterfly. Only the toughest SOB's in the world will come out
of this game in one piece.
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| It's like Lucky Charms on steroids. |
8. Pac-Man 2 (Genesis/SNES): Pac-Man returns in this vicious sequel to the brutal
original, and he's kicking more ass than ever before. The game starts off with
infiltrating a rotting farm to rip the milk right out of a cow, and our
little yellow badass continues the debauchery from there. He scales a gigantic
mountain of death and braving ungodly horrifying ghosts in an attempt to
pick a wildflower for little Suzy. As you press on into the dark and
dirty streets Pac-Man will do the most intense skateboarding you'll see
outside of the X Games, Find the sweetest electric guitar in Pac-land,
and the most thrilling death-defying Arial acrobatics we've seen on hang
glider since Pilot Wings. And that's only the beginning, the carnage
only grows from there! The game culminates in a show down at the most
horrifying place on earth, the gum factory! You've got to hit the ground
running in this thriller that could arguably be called one of the most
suspenseful games of all time.
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| Pac-Man is ready to lay the smack down. |
7. Animal Crossing(Gamecube): Nintendo is well known
for its profanity-laced and gory
games, but Animal Crossing just may be the definitive title of the
company's commitment to badassary. You're new in town and get taken for a
ride by local "businessman" Tom Nook, instantly finding yourself deeply in debt
and forced into doing Tom's business. From making "deliveries", to
posting "messages" in the town square, to doing a little "planting",
you're in deep. But even after you've freed yourself from Nook's debt you're
still scouring the town and sometimes even shaking down it's residents
for goodies you sell to Tom Nook for top-bell. If you don't play
by the rules, you'll find yourself visited by the town's "enforcer", Resetti, who doesn't merely threaten to break your legs, he threatens to
erase your whole life. You'll find
yourself doing anything to make those sweet sacks of jinglers and
ultimately survive, be it pulling rusted cans from the river, being a
courier for your animal clients or using the mail in ways you never
thought possible, your adrenaline is always pumping in this thrilling
title where it's just you against one bad, nasty town.
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| Tom Nook's not running a freakin' charity here |
6. Mario is Missing(SNES): A quest around the
world turns into a quest into hell
for Luigi as he tries to track down his brother Mario who's gone missing
under mysterious circumstances. Luigi finds himself face to face with the sleazy chicks and big studs roaming the mean streets of Paris, Rome, and
Beijing. They're been watching and they're waiting for him. They're
primed and ready to pounce, educating your sorry ass on any number of
horrifying ancient artifacts before turning you back out onto the mean
streets. Surviving these encounters is only the first step, so you'd
better hope those facts were beat into you because only a grueling quiz
will allow you to continue your search. If you fail you've got to
restlessly hit the streets again until you "learned your lesson".
History isn't here to repeat itself, this time it's just here to kick
your ass.
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| Luigi has to separate the double talk and code words from the truth. |
5. Mario Paint: Painting. Animation. Music
Composing. Flyswatting. Arguably four of the most hardcore activities
ever conceived by our sick ancestors collide in a fiery explosion of
utter chaos with a Marioesque twist. Using pens, spray cans, flood
filling and even more devastating tools, the player splatters a image on
the screen with such reckless abandon, it's a wonder how they manage to
stay upright. The truly insane will take it to the next level,
stringing together their unholy imagery, using what can only be described
as the blackest of magic, to make it MOVE before their very eyes! If they get
through the animation alive, it's time to put some music together, using cats, tugboats,
baby heads and even more diabolical objects to concoct a frenetic
cacophony that stretches the very limits of extreme. The perverse
technology utilized in this maddening title allows you to take that
painted image, take that animation, take that song you created and put
it all together in one messy, dripping, hanging-off-the-bone
collaboration of utter chaos that's certain to destroy the senses of
even the most hardened gamers. And you haven't even gotten to the game
where you swat bugs, yet.
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| Mario Paint? More like MARIO PAIN! |
4. Barbie's Vacation Adventure(SNES/Genesis): One would
think a game about a super model would deal with the horrors of eating
disorders, drug addictions or sleazy industry insiders. But the early
Barbie games eschew those stereotypes and bring you even more edgy fare.
From Navigating the twisted world of Barbie's dreams in Barbie on the
NES, to watching American's first badass woman claw her way to the top
of the Fashion World, in Barbie's Super Model. None of the titles are for
the feint of heart, but for the true badasses among us, Barbie's vacation
adventures kicks things up a notch. This title opts for an expose of what happens
when a super model is left alone in the backwaters of America. From the
unsettling Deliverance-esque setting of the Iowa county fair where
Barbie is watched silently by unseen farmers as she's forced to run
after a loose pig in order to gain admittance to their "carnival games" where she must win the freedom to move on. To her terrifying experiences
in the dark and menacing woods of Wyoming where she's attacked by
wildlife tossed into a powerful rushing stream, left cold, wet and frightened. When Barbie manages to escape back to her California Mansion the Nightmare
deepens when she's faced with a clearly demon-possessed Ken who speaks only
in riddles, and enters and exits rooms in ways that can only be
attributed to dark powers. Once she's bested Ken's mind games, you're rewarded with a series of
unexplained still shots leaving you with a myriad unanswered questions, but too scared to draw your own conclusions.
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| I bet I can make ya squeal like a piggy |
3. Reel Fishing (PS1): The unbridled INTENSITY of brooks, ponds, and the big
daddy of all fresh-water angling - THE LAKE can be matched only by the
extreme monsters that live in these intense environments, THE FISH!! In
Reel fishing, these swimming demons didn't care who you are or where
you came from. If you come to their water with a pansy stick and weak
thread, you'll lose your bait, your hook, and your dignity. The
Char are sinister, the bass are brutal, and the cutthroat trout are just
plain bad. At times you can't tell if you're fishing or fighting in a
prison riot. All of this mayhem is set to a KILLER soundtrack that will
kick your sorry ass even harder than the bitterling!
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| The true face of evil |
2. Seasame Street 1-2-3: Ernie's Magic Shapes and Asro Grover (NES): This cartridge gives you a double shot of power
with 2 hardcore games stuffed into one package. Think you know a square
when you see it? Think circles are something to sneeze at? Well tough guy,
Grand Wizard Ernie's got a few trapezoids for your punk ass, and if
you're not careful this manic magician's gonna stick 'em right where the
sun don't shine. And whatever left of you certainly won't have a
chance in hell of crafting that train. So if triangles have a way of
making a wuss out of you, perhaps you should try your luck with with the
numbers, courtesy of Spaceman Grover. Astro Grover is like a
mathematical punch to the face. Counting little green men might seem
easy enough for you, but try developing a ghetto city-block with the
power of math alone. You'd better have your head screwed on right,
because if you fail to count 7, let me tell you buddy, your luck's run
out. That moon over the city does not tolerate failure and not even NASA
can save you from a run in with the Lunar Lunatic.
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| YOU GONNA GET IT! |
1. Flower (PS3): Only a Hardcore system like
the PS3 could bring you the most hardcore game the world has ever seen.
In flower you control one of the most destructive forces on earth, the
wind. Flower is for hardcore gamers only, so it doesn't mess around
giving you a bunch of needless instructions or text to read. You pull yourself up by the
bootstraps and forge your own way through the game's harsh environment
as you learn to harness the deadly power of nature. You start by using
your power of the gales to tear apart every flower ripping off their petals and leading them on a death march through desolate fields, past terrifying
turbines and culminating in ripping through a decrepit cityscape.
Flower's intelligent soundtrack changes tone and intensity with every
heart-pounding, anxiety inducing move you make, adding a layer of extreme
intensity like nothing you've experienced before. You might think you're
a gamer but no amount of experience PvP sniping, Zombie Killing, alien
dismembering or street hustling can prepare you for Flower.
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| Make those whirling blades of death dance! |
So this April 1st challenge yourself to earn your gamer cred by playing one of the above games and go down in history as one of gaming's hardcore legends.
~Stephanie and Richard
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