Not So Retro Review: Contra 4 Nintendo DS

When a gaming company attempts to put out a new version of a classic, beloved series, sometimes you just have to accept that it's not going to have that same flair your old favorites did. Sometimes you have to remember that the tried and true formula that made the original titles the masterpieces they were are going to be replaced by new and questionable features in an attempt to add freshness to an antiquated series. Sometimes you just have to accept that it's not going to be the same.

Luckily, in the case of Contra 4, that entire opening paragraph is entirely irrelevant.

If you want to run and gun, if you want to shoot up a base pseudo-3D style, if you want to search desperately for the spread shot while navigating the narrow platforms of the jungle, if you want to be irritatingly be hit by falling rocks on the way to an Alien Fortress on top of a waterfall, if you want to spend an RPG amount of time trying to survive 9 merciless stages with the brutal, console-throwingly difficult 2D gameplay that defined the late 80's and early 90's portion of your childhood, then you probably want Contra 4.

Get Psyched! Oh wait, wrong game.

Graphics:
 Graphically the game is an example of how instead of putting all of our energy into 3D rendering, we should also appreciate just how much we can do with 2D graphics in the modern era. This is a gorgeous game with very nice background visuals with some 3D effects added in nicely. The player sprites are a bit pixelated but animate very smoothly. The game doesn't suffer from intense flickering like the games of old do, which is nice because with all of the on-screen activity it's going to be hard enough to keep track of things. Artistically the game looks a lot like Contra III, which isn't surprising given how most fans loved that one the most. Many of the enemies retain their original look and the player sprites are very similar to their classic counterparts.

Alien breeding programs have eliminated the "ball arms" gene

Controls:
The controls are as responsive as they need to be and simple to get the hang off for the most part. The direction pad on the DS may give you some problems, especially when trying to shoot diagonally which may prove frustrating while you're new to the game. It's a little harder to really mash the shoot button on the DS due to the small size of the buttons and the fact that it causes the whole console to shake. By holding the R button, you can at least stand safely in place while you fire in any direction, which also allows you to fire directly downward without having to jump. If you've only played Contra and Super C with lacked this feature, that's an incredible button right there. The simplicity of Contra's controls will lead to the same problems they did in the old days, such as accidentally dropping down from a ledge when you try to jump too soon after shooting at an enemy below you. The new ability to climb ropes affords itself many opportunities at accidental and deadly dismounts when you're trying to do too much at once and while none of these issues are necessarily new to this game, they are a perennial source of frustration.

Sounds:
The sound effects are crisp although some are rather quiet, so you'll have to strain a little to enjoy that classic 'p-choom' sound unless you've got headphones. The classic ricochet noise which denoted a successful shot on an enemy returns for added nostalgia, though most of the sounds in the game will be more updated. The game's music features some new tracks and several remixes of the ones you remember. If you're playing on Hard then you're rewarded with an enhanced version of the original Jungle track. Arguably the greatest 8 bit music ever, the Base Boss music from the first Contra returns in two of the three base-style levels as you're fighting the final enemy there, offering a more percussive and instrumental version, coming off as more dramatic (though not necessarily better) than the original version.

Gameplay:

 Mad Dog has chosen the passive-aggressive approach

After years of questionable titles and a few decent but very different ones, Konami's Contra 4 on the Nintendo DS is clearly meant as fan service to the long time fans of the run n' gun series, from the game itself, to the bonus unlockables, and even the booklet is made lovingly with long-time fans in mind. The game takes its overall design from the first three Contra games, featuring levels, weapons, music, and bosses borrowed or inspired from Contra, Super Contra, and Contra III: The Alien Wars. Contra 4 takes place soon after the events of Contra III, serving as a direct sequel to that game and ignoring all the rest that came in between (which is good because those storylines were crazy and the characters were wearing shirts). Midst the familiar features, the game brings fresh new ones to ensure that it isn't just a phoned-in reboot. While a few of the levels are clearly inspired by the look of some of the classics, they are set up in brand new, challenging ways while retaining the original feel. This includes the pseudo-3D shooting galley-like base levels which retain the "shoot the red things" goal but with beefed up enemies and hazards. One of the biggest new factors in the game is the simultaneous use of both the upper and lower screen, adding a huge new challenge to a game that was not exactly short on them to begin with. The insane difficulty remains intact, so only elite players will see the end. All in all, the easiest way to describe the game is...it's a Contra game, with all of the good and bad that comes with that status.

 With the addition of only a few new tricks, the core gameplay is unaltered from what we've grown accustomed to, feeling the most like Contra III, which might seem expected, given the numbering, but let's remember that they're 15 years apart. Before starting the game you can select which character you want to use. So if you're like me and sad that you have to be player two to enjoy the benefits of red pants, now you can choose Lance (the red pants guy) instead of that stuck up Blue Pants Bill right out of the starting block. Two other characters, Mad Dog and Scorpion, are also immediately selectable, and if you're familiar with the regional differences between the original Contra games, you know why that's such a delightful addition. All of these initial characters are just color palette swaps of each other, but if you ever felt that Bill Rizer would be better represented as a black guy with a golden rifle then this game's for you.

This seems very familiar

After your support chopper drops you into the jungle, careful not to insult your manhood with a helpful missile or two aimed at your enemies, you'll find yourself in the same position in which you found yourself way back in the original Contra, with a big gun that shoots one small, pathetic round at a time. Even the sound effect is exactly the same as it was in the NES days. Your mission on every level is simple to say but nearly impossible to do, run to the end of the level while shooting everything in sight before it gets you. If you take one shot from anything, you lose a life.

    Enemies come in all forms, from the backpack carrying cannon-fodder guys who used to irritate us on the waterfall (and still do) to durable gun turrets which take many shots to destroy. There's an increased premium on mid-bosses in Contra 4 which help give each level some added depth and challenge on the way to the eventual main boss. Mid bosses are among the most interesting enemies and may take the form of a large alien, a powerful tank, a giant robot, and more. It's not uncommon to encounter a mid boss that's actually more difficult than the level's final boss.

Spreadshot is love

   To help you navigate all of these hazards, your character can climb certain walls, hang on bars and certain ceilings, and can now climb ropes or rope-shaped alien entrails, which does unfortunately open the door to the 2D platformer rope nightmares we all remember, and more than once you'll be lamenting the loss of a life while asking, "why didn't we grab that rope, Bill?" New to the series, you are also given a grapple hook which is used to latch onto hangable objects above you. The grapple hook with shoot all the way to the heights of the level but you're very vulnerable to attack while it's pulling you up there. In an effort to make use out of this new tactic, weapon pods can often be found over deadly chasms, forcing you to shoot them open, jump down just far enough to collect the item before it's lost, and then grapple back to safety before it's too late, which looks pretty darn cool when you pull it off, but is rarely worth the trouble. Perhaps you might feel the use of the grapple hook adds a needless new learning curve in a series that's already too damn hard, but you'd better get used to it, as several key parts of the game require it. Sticking to running and gunning and some light climbing would be ideal but the grapple hook just may save your life one day. Or possibly cost you one.

Grappling can also leave you temporarily headless

Better weapons and powerups are shot out of pods imbedded into the background, or from flying pods which look very similar to those found in Contra III. If you're hoping for some new toys to play with here then you'll be somewhat disappointed as all of the weapons within have been featured in previous titles. However, all of the weapons can be upgraded by picking them up twice, so their functionality will improve in ways you may not expect. In some cases, the upgraded weapon is If you're playing on Easy, they all start off fully upgraded. Being able to upgrade the weapons puts an increased premium on collecting them as well as making it more tragic when you're killed, and your weapon is lost. Like in Contra III, you're allowed to carry two different weapons which is awfully helpful, since you only lose the one who had equipped when you die. Unlike Contra III you can't fire both weapons at once although there was really no tactically sound reason to do so in the first place. You can also discard your weapon, tossing it to the ground. This is useful if you're playing with a friend and are generous enough to share the wealth. It can also be helpful if you know you're about to get hit by something that don't want to lose the weapon permanently. Although if you're new to the controls you'll find yourself accidentally throwing away your weapons at very inopportune times.

Crap.

The levels play similarly to how they'd play in Contra III, with most of them being a side-scrolling format allowing you to climb rails, walls, and ropes in order to get to higher plains. Many portions of the game give you the option to take the high or low path, so you can run along the roof tops of the crumbling city or try your luck on the mean streets below. This would be especially helpful on multiplayer so you can finally get your buddy the hell out of your way, relegating him to whatever path you don't take. One of the levels takes place over the ocean on a futuristic jet ski, sort of like an aquatic version of the hover bike level in Contra III. And to the delight of fans of the original Contra, there are three shooting-gallery levels reminiscent of the bases from the first game. These levels are even harder than they were in 1987 with more tricks and traps awaiting you, but with the faster pacing and new features, may be even more fun than the bases you remember. Or maybe just more infuriating.

Aside from the regular campaign, you can also unlock Challenge Mode, which sticks you in 40 different scenarios, demanding that you complete tasks ranging from completing a section of a level without being able to shoot, having to retain extreme accuracy, taking on a boss without sustaining a single hit, and more. Some of these are unimaginably annoying, and not in the good Contra way, but just in an unfair, irritating way, which I assure you is actually different. For example, when playing some of the Pacifism modes, where you can't shoot, you're basically at the mercy of what the game throws at you. Sure, it might give you 3 paths to take but say enemies are on all three paths, preventing you from jumping, dropping, or standing your ground. What do you do? Nothing, you're screwed. Most of the challenges are fair in some very hidden way, but some of them will have you contemplating just how important a DS really is while you're looking for a hammer. As you complete these tasks you'll be rewarded with various unlockable bonuses which actually manage to justify the injustice you've just suffered. These bonuses...these bonuses are perhaps the greatest example of fan service the game has to offer. The booklet specifically says it offers no spoilers on what these prizes are, and in honor of that they won't be mentioned here, but to give you a small idea, if Contra 4 itself were absent from the game and only the unlockables remained, it would still be worth buying. Seriously.

So the gameplay in general is pretty great, classic Contra at its finest with a few new abilities. But alas, we must also cover the grim matter of the difficulty. First the good news: It's not as hard as Contra III. But then, few things in life are. However, the difficulty of Contra 4 is still insane and will scare off the modern gamer used to endless life bars and unlimited continues. It's much harder than Contra and Super Contra and requires extremely skillful maneuvering and heroic patience. The game can be set to 'easy' but the last two levels won't be available, and it's not as if "Easy" isactually all that easy anyway. If you're feeling extra masochistic, you can put the game on hard, where enemy bullets are almost too fast to see and bosses boast a carpal tunnel inducing number of hit points. As eluded to earlier, one of the hardest things about Contra 4 is that it takes place on both screens, making it very hard to see threats coming from the screen opposite of the one you currently occupy. You either have to look at what's coming or keep and eye on what's happening on your screen, either option increasing your mortality significantly. Plus, enemy fire briefly gets lost in the space between the two screens making it extra difficult to keep track of it. Honestly this is one of the more frustrating facets of the game, and whether it's intentionally meant to increase difficulty or just an unfortunate side effect of an attempt to take advantage of the DS platform, it does beg for an eventual adaptation to a single-screen platform if ever possible. Fortunately the overall game is great enough for this not to ruin it.

Bill must eliminate all the Aliens before 20th Century Fox sues him.

Conclusion:

Contra 4 is a prime example of what can be accomplished two decades into a long-running series when its made with the fans in mind and not just the money. Contra 4 isn't made to appeal to a new generation of gamers. It doesn't even try. This game is solely for those who loved Contra, Super C, and Contra III, loved the punishment and tragedy they dished out, and wanted more. Fifteen years after the last classic Contra, this game proves it can hang with its iconic predecessors and is easily the best Contra to come out in the 2000's. It doesn't try to be new or different, it just tries to be good. There is no fathomable reason that any classic Contra fan wouldn't become an immediate fan of this classic Run and Gun experience.

~Richard

* A few of these screenshots came from IGN.

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Retro Review: Metal Gear Solid Gameboy/Metal Gear Ghost Babel

  -Introduction-

Metal Gear Solid on the original Playstation remains one of the most popular titles of all time, giving birth to the Metal Gear Solid series of games which remain legendary for their excellent gameplay, captivating storylines and impeccable voice acting. People know all of this already, but what some may not know is that Konami also produced a Metal Gear game on Nintendo's Gameboy Color, nearly two years after the release of Solid. In Japan it was known as Metal Gear: Ghost Babel, but renamed to Metal Gear Solid in North America, presumably to take advantage of the success of its Playstation predecessor.

    Fans who may have seen the GBC version of Metal Gear Solid laying beneath the glass of the display case in video game shops may have dismissed it as a crappy, 8-bit version of a game they love for the small screen. Those people, however, would be dramatically incorrect in their assessment. Featuring a brand-new story, surprisingly solid (no pun intended) graphics, and effective, familiar gameplay, Metal Gear Solid on the Gameboy color stands as one of the most impressive Gameboy titles of all time. There are many modes of play in this game, but for this review, we'll focus on the main game as well as the VR Missions.

    This non-canon story follows Solid Snake seven years after his mission at Outer Heaven. Recruited by Colonel Cambell to defuse another potential world disaster, Snake finds himself back in Galuade to confront the demons of the past as well as the demons of today. This time the terrorist struggle is spearheaded by a renegade group of elite soldiers known collectively as Black Chamber, each member boasting a dangerous special ability. Heading this group is Black Art Viper, a vindictive near-insane warrior specializing in tricks and traps.Snake must stop the terrorists from utilizing a new model of Metal Gear to launch a nuclear weapon.

  -Presentation-

An inauspicious start to the mission.

Graphics:   Graphically, Metal Gear Solid on the Gameboy Color is artistically average during regular gameplay but excels at details and movement. Solid Snake is drawn from 8 different angles, meaning that he will turn to face any direction in which he is running. The same is true for the enemy characters. Metal Gear's use of 8 angles is a subtle detail that goes a long way in improving overall presentation, although the character sprites are too small to show any facial features during the normal gameplay. Environments are rendered colorfully and clearly, and are successful in basically depicting that which they are meant to be, although the overall design of various indoor stages can tend to be a bit homogenous to each other. The game features several cutscenes in between chapters which feature the characters rendered in greater detail amidst generally generic backgrounds. These cutscenes are static much of the time with occasional, simple animations such as a turning head, shaking fist, or the graceful fluttering of Snake's trademark bandana. The Codec screen is designed very similarly to the one in Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation, even with some fun little screen noise effects and static on the images of the speaking characters. On this screen, character's faces are drawn in better detail, but aside from the screen noise effects they remain completely unanimated, even during exclamatory outbursts.

  Sound:  The game's sound effects are about par for the Gameboy Color era, but there are plenty of them, be they entirely different or recycled variants to at least retain some variety. Expect various forms of beeps, buzzes, and thuds. There are multiple explosion sound effects which sound pretty good for what they're working with. Like most Gameboy Color games there is no spoken dialogue, only captions.

And are you related to Sephiroth?

  Music: The music ranges from somewhat boring to excellent. Some of the music is original to the game while other tracks are based on their Playstation counterparts or even harken back to the original Metal Gear game of the 80's. Although none of the music is repetitive to the point of torture, some tracks can start to get old if you're stuck in any one area for enough time, especially since the music for many of the indoor areas is the same. The music really shines during boss encounters, boasting the kind of epic 8-bit boss music Konami is known for. While the boss music in the Playstation version tries for a more "epic" vibe, the music within this game is more of a heavy-metal, action-oriented sound to get the blood pumping for ass kicking. The best piece of music in the game is easily the music which plays during the final battle, returning to the series' epic-style roots and successfully conveying a sense of finality to the battle at hand.

    -Gameplay-
  
Main Game

    The gameplay of Metal Gear Solid on the GBC is the most impressive part of the game. Controls are responsive and movement is fluid and easy to handle. Despite the simplified design, the game incorporates many of the themes seen in the Playstation release. Stealth is a premium in this game, and the player is able to utilize many techniques to achieve it, including wall-hugging, tapping a wall to lure an enemy, crawling on the ground or into a crawl space, as well as in tall grass or under water to remain unseen. The player can also travel through the air ducts either to remain unseen or to gain access to an otherwise unreachable area. Controlling Snake is easy to learn with few detracting quirks.

Good thing snake isn't claustrophobic.

    As with the Metal Gear Solid we know and love, the player will try to find their way through various areas while picking up weapons, ammo, health-restoring rations and keycards for locked doors. Familiar facets of your mission also include having to blast your way through thin walls with plastic explosives, using remote controlled missiles to reach targets that Snake himself cannot, and utilizing night vision and thermal goggles see in the dark and/or detect infrared lasers. Including these themes into the game help to keep the gameplay from becoming a simple run-around in a series of glorified labyrinths.

 The in-game arsenal offered to the player is a bit smaller, including a Pistol, Assault rifle, C4 explosives, Landmines, Grenades, Chaff Grenades, Stun Grenades, and Nikita Missiles. It's enough to keep things more interesting although as with most Metal Gear games, most of your time is reasonably spent with just the pistol or the assault rifle in the case of large fights. Items such as body armor, a gas mask, and a landmine detector make their return as well. The "Fogger" device, which emits smoke to allow the player to see invisible laser beams, is likely the result of censoring, as the device looks suspiciously like Snake's trademark cigarettes and is already in the player's possession at the start of the game. The inclusion of these gadgets help bring the game further into familiar territory and add to its complexity.

  And of course, when out of other options, the player can slip into the trusty box.

I wish I were that relaxed.

  The enemies of the game aren't particularly smart but certainly aren't ineffectual. While knocking them out doesn't seem to convince them that something is amiss, they're fairly accurate with their gunfire and annoyingly effective with their gun-whipping. Enemy soldiers can become suspicious if the player taps on the wall or walks over some kind of noise-making floor, and will become alerted at the sound of any weapons discharging, save for the suppressed pistol. Once alerted to the player's presence, enemies quickly spawn from seemingly nowhere to surround Snake. Reasonably aware players will be able to evade or eliminate the enemies without much challenge but doing so while staying in the same area can be frustratingly difficult with the respawning. In many cases the player can take advantage of a little quirk by changing screens from one area to other in quick succession in order to eat away at the ALERT counter, as it takes a little while for enemies to spawn in the new area if one isn't already assigned there. It can also be annoyingly hard to regain the upper hand on an enemy after being knocked to the ground from a gun-whip, as Snake often won't be able rise and put enough distance between himself and an enemy to evade another knock-down. Snake's inability to quickly turn and attack an enemy in one swift motion can also lead to frustration. The standard battle system is simplistic but it's enough to motivate the player to remain unseen.

A surveillance camera!?

    Other enemies/obstacles remain such as surveillance cameras, gun-cameras, dogs, landmines, and trap-door floors in order to change up where your challenge comes from. Cameras can be temporarily snuffed out with a chaff grenade while mines can be detected with, yes, a mine detector.

There's a reason Claude always lets Jacques go first

 The game's replay value is increased with the varying difficulty levels. Your enemies' attack power and hit points varies with the chosen difficulty level, along with whether or not they can be killed by hand. On Hard or higher, only weapons will kill an enemy soldier which will greatly change your overall strategy experience.

It's on like Donkey Kong other fine Konami® games.

The boss encounters are adequate in providing a climax to each chapter of the game, even if they're not the kind of profound confrontations we've come to eagerly await in the Playstation release. The bosses are generally pretty simple to take down although on harder difficulty levels some of them are extremely frustrating, especially Marionette Owl whom you must fight in the dark and punishes you for striking the wrong target. Appropriately, the most challenging boss fight in the game tends to be showdown between Snake and Metal Gear itself, which is something that pretty much none of the console releases can say. The battle with the iron giant may not feel as epic as the fight in Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation, but it is enough to provide a suitable climax for the game to build to. And for what's it's worth, the design on Metal Gear is pretty darn good.

    The implementation of the Radar is passable but not stellar. It helps give a general idea of where nearby enemies are but it's not great for much else. Unlike Metal Gear Solid on the Playstation, there is no differentiation between dangerous enemies or objects. Soldiers, cameras, dogs, incoming missiles and landmines all appear as a redish dot. It's especially annoying when in a mine field that also happens to contain enemies (although that tends to happen more often in VR Training). There is also no more representation of an enemy's field of vision, so you'll be unable to see which way an enemy is face, and how close is too close.

In spite of the name this floor isn't entirely made of plastic explosives.

    Interestingly and unlike other Metal Gear games, while the overall gameplay remains similar to what we classically know as Metal Gear, the game is laid out in stages/levels, rating your performance after you complete each one (don't feel bad if your rating is almost always "terrible" it seems unavoidable the first time through...and for much of the subsequent play-throughs). It's easy to forget, however, that this format is in place, as there is usually decent time in between "chapters" while you're trying to figure out just exactly what to do to move on. The good thing about the stage format is that since you are unfortunately unable to save more than a single game at a time, you can at least go back to any stage you've cleared if you want to play that chapter over again. However, you will only be equipped with the items that are absolutely necessary for completion, so even if you had, say, body armor, an assault rifle, and a pistol suppressor during your initial play-through, those items will all be absent in Stage Select mode.

    Dying will either send you back to the beginning of the level you're in, or to the last significant item you picked up which, depending on where it was, could either be very convenient or extremely irritating. This is especially true for boss fights as dying there can mean a decent schlep ahead of you in order to get back to the fight. Certain items picked up between collecting the "checkpoint" item and whenever you died will have to be collected again, making death exceedingly annoying and paramount to avoid.

    As progress through the game is made, you'll see that the game's story is not nearly as riveting as the console releases, but it's enough to pique your interest as to what is going to happen next. Snake's inner struggle with his own haunted past is as present as it ever was, and annoyingly, so is his subtle fascination with a female, fellow soldier. As the plot progresses you'll see the government conspiracies that made the series famous as well as the usual, (though not as jarring) twists, unexpected pathos for your fallen enemies, and even a moment of tragedy (well it tries to be but the character at focus is a little too irritating for you to care that much). And of course, the whole stopping-the-nuke thing.

Snake considers himself more of a Bishop.

For the most part, the story is sound all the way through although it does fall short in hyping the eventual confrontation with the 'General' whom pilots Metal Gear in the game's most climactic battle. While the fight itself is good, Snake has had literally zero contact with the character up until this point, as he's only seen sporadically throughout the game, broadcasting threatening messages to the US government.

 VR Training

The evil polygons will pay for what they've done.

    Although the main game itself would be more than enough to be a called a complete handheld title, the game generously offers a plethora of VR Training missions for the player to train on or just have something fun to do after completing the main part of the game. The VR missions are essentially a series of mini-missions requiring the player to eliminate a certain number of targets, reach the goal undetected, or complete one of those tasks in a limited amount of time. Interestingly, there are more VR missions featured in this gameboy release than there are in the Playstation version of Metal Gear Solid. The VR missions include Sneaking Mode, Weapons mode, and an Advanced mode allowing the player to dispatch live targets, offering a total 75 unique stages and 180 challenges to complete, an amazing amount of content considering that some Gameboy Games of the time boast less content than what is featured in the VR missions alone.

Trouble brewing

    As expected, the VR missions take place in a virtual-reality world, basically an 8-bit version of the environment featured in the Playstation version. Some of the levels are even essentially identical to their Playstation counterparts. The mini-missions within allow for unique combat opportunities that don't necessarily appear in the main game, giving the player more opportunities to play with their favorite weapons. VR mode isn't necessarily the most thrilling part of the game, but to have so much bonus content in addition to a full game is a big plus. The incentive to complete the mode comes in the form of an unlockable Sound Test (remember way back when that was considered a reward in a game?).

  -Conclusion- 

 As one of the most complete gaming experiences to be licensed for the Gameboy Color, this fun alternative to Metal Gear Solid is indeed a must-have for any fan of the Metal Gear series or just for those who love quality handheld gaming. With a mountain of pros and very little cons, the game is sure to be enjoyable from start to finish, and one that will have players coming back for more soon after completion. Even among today's highly advanced handheld titles, Metal Gear Solid is certain to be among your favorites once you've make the highly recommended decision to make it a part of your handheld collection. Overall a 4.5 out 5 cephalapoint rating.

~Richard

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Top Ten Most Hardcore Games of All Time

Sometimes when you want to test your mettle as a gamer nothing but the most hardcore intense experience will give you the adrenaline rush you're looking for. So if you've walked out of Black Mesa without a scratch, tea-bagged an army of Master Chiefs, and sent every Nazi and Nazi zombie straight back to hell, this list is for you. We've compiled a list of the 10 most extreme games ever to ever hit gaming, they'll chew you up and spit you out, leaving you crying for your mommy.

10. Katamari Damacy (PS2): Katamari puts the ultimate power of the gods in your hands, you create the very cosmos! You're tasked with taking your studded sphere of mayhem onto the earth rolling over everything in your path and crushing it into a sick twisted melange of debris, broken dreams, and lost souls. The Prince lets nothing stand in the way of his gruesome tasks, not the humans begging for their lives or the animals crying out in pain. Once you've collected enough of the detritus of earth, your grim collection is callously tossed into the sky. This macabre mass becomes the next burning star or wandering planet, with no regard for the victims are still visibly struggling to break free. Worse still, even if the prince fails in his duties, our hapless earth dwellers are given no respite, as the unimaginably evil so-called "King of All Cosmos" shoots them into meaningless star dust before sending you back out on your grisly collection quest until you get the job right.

These poor bastards never had a chance.

9. Tetris Attack(SNES): Terrifying stars, ass-whoopin' hearts, extreme rhombi, you name it, this killer's got it. Using your Panel Annihilation Device, you swap those bastards back and forth until you force three together, the resulting explosion so devastating, bits of star and heart guts fly almost right off the screen. If that weren't enough to have you on your knees, begging your God for mercy, blocks with grimacing faces slam down on top of your stack. These titans imposing their dark will on your helpless panels following devastating combo attacks from your  terrifying opponents ranging from hideous, earless dogs to one very pissed off butterfly. Only the toughest SOB's in the world will come out of this game in one piece.

It's like Lucky Charms on steroids.

8. Pac-Man 2 (Genesis/SNES): Pac-Man returns in this vicious sequel to the brutal original, and he's kicking more ass than ever before. The game starts off with infiltrating a rotting farm to rip the milk right out of a cow, and our little yellow badass continues the debauchery from there. He scales a gigantic mountain of death and braving ungodly horrifying ghosts in an attempt to pick a wildflower for little Suzy.  As you press on into the dark and dirty streets Pac-Man will do the most intense skateboarding  you'll see outside of the X Games, Find the sweetest electric guitar in Pac-land, and  the most thrilling death-defying Arial acrobatics we've seen on hang glider since Pilot Wings.  And that's only the beginning, the carnage only grows from there! The game culminates in a show down at the most horrifying place on earth, the gum factory! You've got to hit the ground running in this thriller that could arguably be called one of the most suspenseful games of all time.

Pac-Man is ready to lay the smack down.

7. Animal Crossing(Gamecube): Nintendo is well known for its profanity-laced and gory games, but Animal Crossing just may be the definitive title of the company's commitment to badassary. You're new in town and get taken for a ride by  local "businessman" Tom Nook, instantly finding yourself deeply in debt and forced into doing Tom's business. From making "deliveries", to posting "messages" in the town square, to doing a little "planting", you're in deep. But even after you've freed yourself from Nook's debt you're still scouring the town and sometimes even shaking down it's residents for goodies you sell to Tom Nook for top-bell. If you don't play by the rules, you'll find yourself visited by the town's "enforcer",  Resetti, who doesn't merely threaten to break your legs, he threatens to erase your whole life. You'll find yourself doing anything to make those sweet sacks of jinglers and ultimately survive, be it pulling rusted cans from the river, being a courier for your animal clients or using the mail in ways you never thought possible, your adrenaline is always pumping in this thrilling title where it's just you against one bad, nasty town.

Tom Nook's not running a freakin' charity here

6. Mario is Missing(SNES): A quest around the world turns into a quest into hell for Luigi as he tries to track down his brother Mario who's gone missing under mysterious circumstances. Luigi finds himself face to face with the sleazy chicks and big studs roaming the mean streets of Paris, Rome, and Beijing. They're been watching and they're waiting for him. They're primed and ready to pounce, educating your sorry ass on any number of horrifying ancient artifacts before turning you back out onto the mean streets. Surviving these encounters is only the first step, so you'd better hope those facts were beat into you because only a grueling quiz will allow you to continue your search. If you fail you've got to restlessly hit the streets again until you "learned your lesson". History isn't here to repeat itself, this time it's just here to kick your ass.

Luigi has to separate the double talk and code words from the truth.

5. Mario Paint: Painting. Animation. Music Composing. Flyswatting. Arguably four of the most hardcore activities ever conceived by our sick ancestors collide in a fiery explosion of utter chaos with a Marioesque twist. Using pens, spray cans, flood filling and even more devastating tools, the player splatters a image on the screen with such reckless abandon, it's a wonder how they manage to stay upright. The truly insane will take it to the next level, stringing together their unholy imagery, using what can only be described as the blackest of magic,  to make it MOVE before their very eyes! If they get through the animation alive, it's time to put some music together, using cats, tugboats, baby heads and even more diabolical objects to concoct a frenetic cacophony that stretches the very limits of extreme. The perverse technology utilized in this maddening title allows you to take that painted image, take that animation, take that song you created and put it all together in one messy, dripping, hanging-off-the-bone collaboration of utter chaos that's certain to destroy the senses of even the most hardened gamers. And you haven't even gotten to the game where you swat bugs, yet.

Mario Paint? More like MARIO PAIN!

4. Barbie's Vacation Adventure(SNES/Genesis): One would think a game about a super model would deal with the horrors of eating disorders, drug addictions or sleazy industry insiders. But the early Barbie games eschew those stereotypes and bring you even more edgy fare. From Navigating the twisted world of Barbie's dreams in Barbie on the NES, to watching American's first badass woman claw her way to the top of the Fashion World, in Barbie's Super Model. None of the titles are for the feint of heart, but for the true badasses among us, Barbie's vacation adventures kicks things up a notch. This title opts for an expose of what happens when a super model is left alone in the backwaters of America. From the unsettling Deliverance-esque setting of the Iowa county fair where Barbie is watched silently by unseen farmers as she's forced to run after a loose pig in order to gain admittance to their "carnival games"  where she must win the freedom to move on. To her terrifying experiences in the dark and menacing woods of Wyoming where she's attacked by wildlife tossed into a powerful rushing stream, left cold, wet and frightened. When Barbie manages to escape back to her California Mansion the Nightmare deepens when she's faced with a clearly demon-possessed Ken who speaks only in riddles, and enters and exits rooms in ways that can only be attributed to dark powers. Once she's bested Ken's mind games, you're rewarded with a series of unexplained still shots leaving you with a myriad unanswered questions, but too scared to draw your own conclusions.

I bet I can make ya squeal like a piggy

3. Reel Fishing (PS1): The unbridled INTENSITY of brooks, ponds, and the big daddy of all fresh-water angling - THE LAKE can be matched only by the extreme monsters that live in these intense environments, THE FISH!! In Reel fishing, these swimming demons didn't care who you are or where you came from. If you come to their water with a pansy stick and weak thread, you'll lose your bait, your hook, and your dignity. The Char are sinister, the bass are brutal, and the cutthroat trout are just plain bad. At times you can't tell if you're fishing or fighting in a prison riot. All of this mayhem is set to a KILLER soundtrack that will kick your sorry ass even harder than the bitterling!

The true face of evil

2. Seasame Street 1-2-3: Ernie's Magic Shapes and Asro Grover (NES): This cartridge gives you a double shot of power with 2 hardcore games stuffed into one package. Think you know a square when you see it? Think circles are something to sneeze at? Well tough guy, Grand Wizard Ernie's got a few trapezoids for your punk ass, and if you're not careful this manic magician's gonna stick 'em right where the sun don't shine. And whatever left of you certainly won't have a chance in hell of crafting that train. So if triangles have a way of making a wuss out of you, perhaps you should try your luck with with the numbers, courtesy of Spaceman Grover. Astro Grover is like a mathematical punch to the face. Counting little green men might seem easy enough for you, but try developing a ghetto city-block with the power of math alone. You'd better have your head screwed on right, because if you fail to count 7, let me tell you buddy, your luck's run out. That moon over the city does not tolerate failure and not even NASA can save you from a run in with the Lunar Lunatic.

YOU GONNA GET IT!

1. Flower (PS3): Only a Hardcore system like the PS3 could bring you the most hardcore game the world has ever seen. In flower you control one of the most destructive forces on earth, the wind. Flower is for hardcore gamers only, so it doesn't mess around giving you a bunch of needless instructions or text to read. You pull yourself up by the bootstraps and forge your own way through the game's harsh environment as you learn to harness the deadly power of nature. You start by using your power of the gales to tear apart every flower  ripping off their petals and leading them on a death march through desolate fields, past terrifying turbines and culminating in ripping through a decrepit cityscape. Flower's intelligent soundtrack changes tone and intensity with every heart-pounding, anxiety inducing move you make, adding a layer of extreme intensity like nothing you've experienced before. You might think you're a gamer but no amount of experience PvP sniping, Zombie Killing, alien dismembering or street hustling can prepare you for Flower.

Make those whirling blades of death dance!

So this April 1st challenge yourself to earn your gamer cred by playing one of the above games and go down in history as one of gaming's hardcore legends.


~Stephanie and Richard


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The Top Ten Most Underrated Video Games (As told by Richard)

Richard one of our regular contributors wrote this as a journal on another site, and while we're not all completely in agreement with this list we thought it well worth sharing here.

TOP TEN MOST UNDERRATED VIDEO GAMES

10. Pro Pinball: The Web (PC, Playstation) - As far as video pinball goes, you'll be hard pressed to find something competitive with this. It's incredibly fun, and high scoring so you feel really good about yourself. Aside from so-so sound effects, the game play here can get truly addicting and consuming. This game features super fun jackpot modes, great graphics and excellent physics, and this is especially true for its three sequels, Timeshock!, Big Race USA, and Fantastic Journey. I'd highly recommend this one for any pinball fan.

9. Zombies Ate My Neighbors (SNES) - I have to admit, this one made it to the list as the arbitrary winner of a list of a few other games that were last to be selected, but that isn't to say I don't have fond memories of this one growing up. You and a partner should you have one wonder your once peaceful suburban neighborhood, destroying zombies and other monsters with weapons such as water pistols, tomatoes, silverware, soda cans and more. Along the way you want to save the still living neighbors from being killed by the monsters. You lose if every living person (or dog) in a level perishes. You may also encounter things such as a ten story tall baby, killer clones of you and your buddy, and a delightful little level simply known as Chainsaw Hedgemaze Mayhem. This is a solid SNES game that doesn't short out of the fun.

8. No One Can Stop Mr. Domino! (Playstation) - This hidden gem hearkens back to the days when early 3D games, especially in the Playstation era, were often these quaint, quirky, strange, arcade-ish, and most importantly, very fun titles. Mr. Domino was a unique game of notable difficulty in which the player would control and anthropomorphic, walking domino as it would leave behind a limited supply of other dominoes at it progressed, and as the title implies, your little domino can not be stopped. The most you can do is slow down but coming to a full stop only happens when your energy is depleted, and your walking domino turns back into an inanimate little dotted rectangle.

The goal is to leave dominoes in front of various buttons on a repeating course, and leave a trail of dominoes from a marked spot and lead them to yet another button, repeating this as well as you can. Upon coming back around the course, you now run into your initial domino which will trigger some kind of action in the level which in most cases leads to the marked spot being disturbed. If a domino is there, then it will fall, sending any and all dominoes lined up in front of it tumbling to the floor. Do this right and you can create a course-length domino effect that's both impressive to achieve and fun to watch. Also on the course are health pickups, speed ups, slow downs, and reset tiles which reset the level back to default. The darker the back of your walking domino becomes, the less energy you have and the more urgently you need to walk over a health tile. Your health depletes faster as you progress to later levels. Pushing all required buttons in a level clears you to enter the next. So if you can, I highly suggest you pop Mr. Domino into your Playstation. And go ahead. Just try to stop him. I dare you.

7. Vegas Stakes (SNES) - Put your PokerStars and other douchey gambling sites away, none of them can outdo the beauty that is Nintendo's own gambling epic, Vegas Stakes. In this game you and four of your friends set out on the realistic goal of traveling to Las Vegas, Nevada, and not leaving until you've accumulated ten million dollars. Throughout this little (mis)adventure, you will play Slots, Craps, Roulette, BlackJack, and Seven Card Stud Poker. You can also travel to different casinos with differing minimums and limits. Once you've turned your initial $1,000 investment into $100,000, you will be given High Roller status and be invited to gamble at the prestigious Laurel Palace, where there are no limits and all non-slot minimums are $1,000. Classy, no? Also, as you play your little games of chance, other gamblers may engage you for one reason or another. Some of them may be wanting to get some pointers, others may be selling jewelry, and others yet may need money for their sick child. Beware, as some of these people may be pickpockets and con artist. However, an interaction with the right person could gain you any number of riches. These interactions are what sets Vegas Stakes apart from your run of the mill gambling games.

6. Super Punch-Out!! (SNES) - Although nothing can quite measure up to the classic boxing epic that was Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!, this game had so much comical, zany fun packed into it that it's no wonder the word "Boxing" is never once found in the game. You are now controlling a new character whom you yourself will name. The gameplay is rather similar to the NES game, heavily based on dodging and counter punches. The main difference is better graphics, and you are no longer vertically challenged. When you gain enough momentum, you can unleash a powerful hook to the face, body, or a pummeling flurry of blows to either area. And, until you are hit again, this is unlimited. But remember, this is not a boxing simulation. This is an arcadey, cartoonish, fist-heavy (but not limited), brawling, ass-kick-a-thon. And your opponents may not-so-discretely sneak in a headbutt, kick to the face, spit in the eye, or even a large cane shot to the head. The game features fast and fun action, although admittedly repetitive, hilarious facial expressions and amazing if not slightly ridiculous knockdown animations. It's somewhat rare but a great play even for non-boxing fans.

5. Fire Pro Wrestling (GBA, Playstation 2) - Fire Pro Wrestling, especially in its later days, was a wrestling game that's always been well received in Japan but never properly loved here in the states. This could probably be attributed not only to stuff competition of WWE games, but also its cartoonish graphic style. Which is truly too bad because these games are amazing examples of in depth details, movesets, and especially customization. The Gameboy Advance version already offered character editing that was incredibly in depth, making each new character no less than a 30 minute project assuming you were as experienced with it as I was.
It offered over 70 characters to make in addition to the ones already there, and I managed to fill them all. But as much as I loved this, nothing could prepare me for the customization offered to you in Fire Pro Wrestling Returns on the Playstation 2, one of my recent acquisitions. Follow me on this. In this game, you can edit a character, including looks, moves (lots of moves...), gender, theme music, favorite weapon, nationality, and tons of other details, you can edit a wrestling organization, and a logo for your new organization, a referee, a title belt, and even a wrestling ring, which you can even put your logo in the center of. You can also choose a finishing move for your wrestling and rename it to whatever you want. And I shit you not, you can even make your character gay. Why is this important? Well...certain moves can only be done by people...willing to perform them. The game also includes moves and faces belonging to actual wrestlers, allowing you to recreate your favorite superstars. And the intense character editor makes it very possible to make other characters you love (just ask Solid Snake and Little Mac over there on my memory card). There is so much more to this game I could get into but I fear I must move on. But if you are a wrestling fan, this really is a must have. And what's more, the Playstation 2 version usually sells for around $5. Sometimes under appreciation pays off.

4. Rogue Trip: Vacation 2012 (Playstation) - It's like Twisted Metal. Only better. In fact, this game was made by the same team who did the first two Twisted Metal games, and the near identical graphics and controls prove this. But this title had a twist that made it infinitely more interesting. Your goal in this game was not only to destroy other vehicles with a huge arsenal of deadly, combustible weapons...
but also, to hijack (yes, hijack) a tourist, and bust into the privately owned last vacation spots on a post apocalyptic Earth, getting them to photo ops and most importantly, collecting cash to use on health and weapon upgrades. There is just one tourist per level, and every auto-mercenary wants him...sounds fun, right? Each level ends when you've "blasted all the competition." However, Big Daddy, owner of these vacation spots, is unhappy about you scoring profit off of his properties. In due time he will send Daddyland security to neutralize you. And should that fail, you will face off with Big Daddy, himself. And let's just say that's not just a name. This game is one I'll always hold close to my heart, existing as one of the first ever games I played on Playstation, and take it from me - it beats the shit out of Twisted Metal.

3. Incredible Crisis (Playstation) - I cannot tell you how much me and my siblings love this game. My sister first brought this home to us when she found it cheap in a store. Far as I know, she knew nothing about it. Its contents would prove to be something we would never forget and cherish forever. Incredible Crisis is a mini-game based title that follows a Japanese family as they go through a series of unlikely, comical, and strange, yes, crisis in order to get home on time for Grandma's birthday. The mini games may involve trying to stop a falling elevator by button mashing, getting a golden piggy bank from a secured room with a crushing, spiked ceiling by measuring grocery items' weight to replace it with, escaping a praying mantis after being shunk down to the size of an ant by running and avoiding obstacles, or our personal favorite, trying to give a pretty lady a satisfying back rub...off camera...on a ferris wheel...with only moans to tell you how you're doing...with fireworks going off upon completion. The goal of all of these games and the many more within is to complete the task at hand without blowing your top from stress. A head-shaped meter tells you how stressed you are, and lets you know how urgently you must keep your cool. It's one of the most fun games the Playstation has to offer, and is something that can only be properly explained by playing it.

2. Thrasher: Skate and Destroy (Playstation) - I'm just gonna say it. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater's got nothing on this. You want a game about straight up, dirty, gritty street skating? This is your game. This Rockstar classic is not an arcadey, ridiculous example of super hero-like skateboarding. And it's also not easy. It's a realistic, down to earth street-skating game that requires actual skill to master. There are no secret tapes, no silly letters to collect, no bums to ollie. Simply put, it's all about skating, and skating well. The only way to finish a level is to rack of a score with grinds, flips, grabs and other moves, which are improved by tricking over risky areas such as ramp transfers and over moving vehicles. When a level begins you're free to explore for as long as you want. Once you've got an idea of what you're doing, you can start your run, and you'll have 2 minutes to get the required score.
Once you've done it, head for the exit. If you do not leave the area in time, then at the end of your run (unless you're in an official competition), you'll be pursued by a cop, a mugger, or even a police dog. The screen switches to their view with you in the distance, making controlling quite a bit more difficult. Doing tricks in front of these guys is worth triple would they would be normally, giving you one final shot to break through the ceiling of the needed score. If you're caught, then you will have to start the level over. If you escape, you will only win if your score is high enough. What also makes this game great is fully "customizable" bails. That's right, unlike Tony Hawk's preloaded animations, once you leave your board, your character basically becomes a rag doll and what happens to him now is up to your environment and God. If you sustain too much damage during your run, your board will break, which is an automatic loss. Also, in two player mode, there are several games you can play. But one of those games stands head and shoulders above the rest: Sick Fix. Simply put, a contest on who can hurt their character the most. And believe you me, this can get interesting in the Subway level. There's so much more to discover in this skating classic (including the best old school rap soundtrack ever put together, yes rap, it IS cool you scrawny white bastards) and it's truly too bad there will never be another. But if you're a real skater, not just a Tony Hawk fan, then go find this game. If you don't love it, you suck.

1. Silent Hill (Playsation) - Yes, I'm sure at least some of you find this to be a surprising conclusion to the list, especially since the Silent Hill series has plenty of appreciation at this point but hear me out. For a long time, Silent Hill's release was followed with skeptics shrugging it off as a Resident Evil clone. And only when Silent Hill 2 came out did the original start to get the appreciation it had long since deserved. At yet, despite all of this, due to factors as trivial as graphics and the inclusion of Pyramid Head, Silent Hill 2 has long been hailed the superior game of the ever expending series. But here are the fact, from a guy who started from the beginning. The original Silent Hill was a genius game that offered things never before seen in video games and is the scariest piece of media you ever own, period.

When I first played this game, I couldn't believe how much it scared me, especially considering that I was long used to PS2/Xbox level graphics by the time I got to it. But despite that and the admittedly laughable voice acting, once the lights go out and the music starts up...you'll wish you never put this one in the machine. The atmosphere was never again matched, even in the sequels, likewise with the music. The music in this game is absolutely horrifying and is unparalleled by any other horror compositions. The bizarre story is gripping despite being nearly unfollowable, and by the time this one's over, you may truly never look at horror games the same again. It is the scariest game of all time, no arguments, and although Silent Hill 2 is a great game in its own right, it never comes close to achieving what this one did. And for that matter, the original Silent Hill takes its place as my pick for the #1 most underrated video game.

So there we have it, the first of perhaps many top ten lists to come. This one literally took me hours to write which is just how I like it.


-Richard

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