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Friday, April 13, 2012

September the 27th (Friday the 13th)...Eat Flakes For Now

So usually when you come across a hack (altered version) of a classic video game on your favorite ROM/emulation site, it's a nudie version of the game, such as Nude Punch-Out!! . "Ha ha ha, Piston Honda's flaccid, the humor is interminable." But there comes a time when nudity becomes boring (no, it does), and you need something a little more interesting in your bastardized classic gaming. I know we did.  Luckily for us, one day long ago I stumbled across September the 27th on Rom-World.com, a hack of the notoriously difficult Friday the 13th game for the NES. And I can say without exaggeration that this is truly the best hack ever.


The premise of this particular hack is that you are a group of doctors and nurses at Battle Creek Clinic and Sanitarium, pushing Dr. Kellogg's (previously camp counselor Mark) agenda of cornflake-based health. However, this radical way of thinking has gotten the attention of one truly sinister being - Wilford Brimley. Oh yes, the ex-Quaker spokesperson has put his crusade against "Diabeatus" aside to reclaim the breakfast throne in the name of oatmeal. He has all of the blood lust of Jason with much of the terror. And he will use his fists, machetes and hairbrushes axes to slay all of those who dare to stand against his malevolent goal.


 You're going to notice some subtle differences from Friday the 13th in this version of the game. First of all, instead of a knife going through the eyehole of a hockey mask, you'll see a spoon being slammed into a bowl of what I think is supposed to be blue oatmeal.


Your characters clothes are now lengthened down to their ankles to reflect their status as medical professionals. All of the female characters have had their names changed to Nurse 1, Nurse 2, and Nurse 3. As I stated earlier, Mark has now been replaced with Doctor K. with an altered mug shot on the map screen, which now features a bald, stern, almost alien-like individual. However is "face" is unaltered during actual gameplay. George and Paul get to retain their names in exchange for having to wear gowns. After choosing a character, you are informed to "use the torch to cook the cornflakes" before you begin your mission: destroy Wilford...if you can!



    Yellow and blue Quaker men rise from the ground to...devour your flesh, perhaps. You flash when they touch you, that's all that is certain. Basically they hold their arms up in a constant showing of a completed field goal while stamping their feet up and down. For added fun, try to get a couple of them grouped together to make a hyrbrid Quaker Man and Octopus, or as I like to call them, a Quaketopus.



    Much like with Jason, you will be warned if Wilford is attacking one of the doctors or the "patients" (formerly known as children) out on the lake, still a similar size. Upon meeting Wilford, you may be too distracted by what may be a sweater or possibly a brown jogging suit to evade his attacks. If you manage to fend him off, a message will appear urging you to "Eat Flakes For Now." If you can drain his entire life bar, you'll move onto the next of three days.


In the cave, Jason's mother's head has taken some R and R and is replaced with a giant, mean-looking Quaker head. His angry eyes and fierce black hat strike fear into any who dare to enter his lair. Adding to the terror he changes his color palette daily shifting from pinkish putrid flesh to a charred visage of horror.


Defeat him to get a hold of some goodies. On day one it's a machete as usual, and day three's pitchfork is intact. However, the sweater which protected you from half of the game's attack damage and served as the prize for defeated Jason's mother on day two has been replaced with, yes, cornflakes. The graphic is little more than text that says "Cornflakes" someone reminiscent of the way it appeared on the box. Like the sweater it protects you against half of all damage you sustain. No sugar here, Dr. K likes his flakes pure!


So it seems obvious why we feel this is the greatest hack the internet has to offer. It gets played nearly as often as the original Friday the 13th here, and considering my love for the game, that's quite often. I don't know who the individual is who created this beautiful gem, but I think I speak for everyone on this blog when I say that I would like to buy them a bowl of Kellogg's cornflakes, part of a complete breakfast.


    ~Richard


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